Unsure

I spent five and a half years being someone I wasn't. I feel like I wasted my life away because I was afraid I'd end up alone. Of course now I know it wasn't him I needed, it was just having someone, anyone. But where does that leave me now? I've never been single. I've never just saved money for myself and spent money on me. I've never been able to do exactly what I want, when I want because I've always had to worry about upsetting a guy. True, it's great that I stopped drinking. I was unhealthy and unhappy. But from time to time I'd like to have a drink. I'd like to stay the night with friends and not worry about being home at a certain time. From ages 16 through 21, I was with one guy who was chemically screwed in the brain. We didn't get along for the most part. We were just all each other knew.

And now, here I am, laying in bed next to a cute, faithful, hard working guy, that I truly do love. But is it enough for me? I'm always unhappy. I don't get enough attention, kisses, hugs... I push him and push him and it's like he's doing things just so I'll be happy. Not because he wants to.

Is it selfish of me to want to take some time? I don't even know if that's what I want. I was just looking at old pictures and realizing how much of my time I spent dedicating myself to another person. I'm gonna be 23 this year. What do I have? Another relationship with more debt, more arguments, more stress? And what if things don't work out with him? A year from now, I'll be looking back, feeling like I've wasted even more time. All because I'm obsessed with love and romance, which both seem to be non-existant lately.

I should pray.