Rum

I'm just sitting here, sipping on rum, thinking about life. Because that's the best time to do it, right? What am I doing? Do I need him? I don't know. Do I love him? Of course! But I feel like, because I wasted so much time on a relationship before, my life should be better. I should be happier. But I don't feel myself giving my all. I don't want to give my money, I don't want to give my freedom, I just want to be alone. Because that's how he makes me feel. And it's not his fault. But it's so annoying when people say "just leave. You don't need him" . Well yea, that's easy for someone to say when your rental history hasn't been shat on. Its easy to say when you have places to go. And now I sound like a horrible person. I pray. I pray a lot and I try to ask God to show me where to go. I try to be patient. Deep down I know that when I stop thinking so much, it'll all fall into place. I want that weird feeling again. I want butterflies. I want to feel like the world is waiting for me to experience it. But right now I feel trapped.

Still thinking, but happier.

This post may come across as selfish. But I'm happy.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. I got my big overtime check and wanted to save half of it. It was a good plan. Still is. But I was walking around the mall with a friend and I felt so out of place. I felt broke. I felt like I was punishing myself and I wasn't allowed to spend a dime or I had failed at life. The amount of guilt I feel after spending money is sickening. As I was looking around, I pictured my life. I work a full-time job, I have a car (that usually does what it's supposed to), and I have all of my bills paid (not including my outstanding debt). I'm (almost) 23 years old, I have no kids, and my only responsibility is to take care of myself. What am I being so hard on myself for? I deserve a new purse. I work hard, I deserve a pair of boots. Today was the first day I've ever spent money on myself and not felt guilty. Also, the fact that Cody has never ever bought me anything makes me feel better about treating myself.

I'm happier when I take care of myself.

Unsure

I spent five and a half years being someone I wasn't. I feel like I wasted my life away because I was afraid I'd end up alone. Of course now I know it wasn't him I needed, it was just having someone, anyone. But where does that leave me now? I've never been single. I've never just saved money for myself and spent money on me. I've never been able to do exactly what I want, when I want because I've always had to worry about upsetting a guy. True, it's great that I stopped drinking. I was unhealthy and unhappy. But from time to time I'd like to have a drink. I'd like to stay the night with friends and not worry about being home at a certain time. From ages 16 through 21, I was with one guy who was chemically screwed in the brain. We didn't get along for the most part. We were just all each other knew.

And now, here I am, laying in bed next to a cute, faithful, hard working guy, that I truly do love. But is it enough for me? I'm always unhappy. I don't get enough attention, kisses, hugs... I push him and push him and it's like he's doing things just so I'll be happy. Not because he wants to.

Is it selfish of me to want to take some time? I don't even know if that's what I want. I was just looking at old pictures and realizing how much of my time I spent dedicating myself to another person. I'm gonna be 23 this year. What do I have? Another relationship with more debt, more arguments, more stress? And what if things don't work out with him? A year from now, I'll be looking back, feeling like I've wasted even more time. All because I'm obsessed with love and romance, which both seem to be non-existant lately.

I should pray.

I finally have something to say.

Thursday night was a bad night. My cat, Oliver died. I knew he wasn't feeling well because he couldn't go potty, so before I went to work I gave him extra attention and water. I didn't have time to change his litter box. I never have time. When I get home, I'm lucky if I have enough energy to feed myself. That apartment is so small and the dog is always making messes, I'm just never up to it. I'm never really up for anything. But anyway... I worked a 12 hour shift, came home and noticed Oliver just laying by the wall. He would barely walk. He wanted to take a drink but he couldn't. Cody stood him up and he flopped over and fell. I tried pouring water in his mouth through a straw. He tried to lick it off his lips but it looked like it hurt him to swallow. We wrapped him up in a towel and laid him on a comfy pillow. We both just stared at him for hours, crying. He looked right at Cody and meowed a few times, then he had a short breath, with a tiny meow, and he was gone. I cried all night. Did not sleep at all. He looked like a helpless little baby. I thought of him as an annoyance most days. I would pet him from time to time and feed him, but I never let myself get too close to him. I'm not really a cat person. But after having Oliver for a year and the  watching him die, my heart is broken. He needed us to save him and there was nothing we could do. I kept telling myself he was gonna drink the water and make a full recovery. Then we'd have a chance at having a real relationship with him. He was a good cat. He liked to play with the puppy. He liked to ignore us all day, then randomly come up at night and try to snuggle. I miss him and I hope he knew I really did love him, even though I was horrible at showing it. RIP Oliver. Take care of Memaw, Billy Ray, and Cody's mom. And say hi to Kidd Kraddick too, please. <3

I'd like to apologize

...to my stomach for putting so much McDonalds in it lately. I'm just broke. But my car is fixed so I've been working out again. I get depressed easily and I realized that the only time I'm not depressed, or feeling zombie-like, is when I'm working out. Even on my way to the gym I feel so much better about myself. I worked out for 2 hours the other day. It's been a slow exercise week though.. I've got 27 hours of overtime at work so I really don't have much time. When I'm not at work I'm just exhausted! By the time I get home and we've done something about dinner, I'm ready to pass out.

Also, I've had the most obnoxious headache for the past 2 weeks. It can't be stressed because honestly, I'm not worried about too much right now, other than getting a day off.

I've been relying on God for every little thing lately and that alone helps relieve so much stress.

Work is going good. I love my job and am finally in a position where I feel like I have job security.

As far as my blog goes, I haven't forgotten about it, it's just that I was in such a dark place for a few days that even when I tried to start writing, I had a mental block and felt like I had nothing worth sharing. But I feel better. I'm attaching a picture of these vitamins I'm taking (on top of all the others). They're supposed to help release serotonin, which helps your mood and all that good stuff.
It also causes drowsiness. Goodnight.

I thought I was pregnant.

I don't wanna be one of those girls who says they're pregnant every month for attention. There have been at least 5 pregnant girls at the store I work at, just in the last year. And I've been having baby fever since I fell in love. But it's not like we're trying or anything. Now is not the time, but really, who is ever truly prepared?

Anyway, my period was a week late. I convinced myself I was creating a little baby inside my tummy and I'm not. I got my own hopes up, knowing that it probably wasn't going to happen. I want to be a mom. I want to love and take care of an adorable, new, precious life. I want to teach and parent. I wanted to make a life, my very own baby. It sounds dumb now that I'm seeing the words all spelled out like this.

I cried this morning, in the bathroom at work. Another girl had a sonogram she was showing everyone. But God knows when the right time is. God knows we have too many bills and our apartment is too small. There is a reason I'm not pregnant, and I'm ok with it.

One day it'll be our turn to tell our families the great news. We'll have doctors visits and sonograms. We'll pick out cribs and strollers. We'll hold her and love her and cry together, tears of happiness. Now is not the time.  :-\ It's just that I was laying in bed last night, holding my stomach, praying that if I was pregnant, that my baby would be healthy and grow so I could meet her one day.

I guess now is just the time to get in shape. Too many days have gone by since I've been to the gym. I've just been working so much to make up for all these crap-ass bills. And my house is a disaster. Yay.

I could scream right now!

My car needs new brakes. I'm in the process of getting them fixed, but uncontrollable circumstances keep knocking me down. I haven't been to the gym in days. I'm feeling blubbery. I feel like a big, blubbery pile of pale fat. On top of that, my boyfriend and I just got in a fight. Not because it was my fault, but because he's stupid. I mean, how can a person be that stupid? I don't want to over think things. I just want to be on the treadmill. I feel better about myself when I'm covered in sweat, my muscles are working double-time, and my heart rate is at 185. It might sound cheesy, but I feel at home at the gym. Nothing else matters except finishing another mile. When I go this long without working out, my anxiety gets the best of me. All I can do is worry and stress. It's 1:34 am. He's asleep next to me. Usually, I look over and smile to myself at how cute he is. He's not cute tonight. Tonight I don't really feel "love". If I had my car I'd be working out right now. When I work out, I picture myself tan, 50 or 60lbs thinner, and toned. I'm in my own imaginary world where I can casually walk around in a bikini, sip on healthy smoothies, and relax by a pool.

I finally got my very own blender. My metabolism is sped up so much now, that 10 minutes after I eat, I'm starving again. Sipping on a fruit smoothie helps curb the urge to order pizza. I also started taking ginseng. It's already made me more productive at work. I reorganized half the store in the past couple of days. So, it's not like I'm being entirely inactive, I just would much rather be huffing and puffing, releasing all my problems out into the gym, and leaving them there.

I'm trying to start a "like" page on Facebook. But everything is harder on a smartphone. Once I get to a computer, I'll have a page up and running in a matter of minutes.

That fight was bad last night. It's all I can think about. Also, I'm scared I'm gaining weight because I'm not working out. I could scream right now!

It's time for some living room Yoga.

I kicked my own ass today!

...and it felt GOOD! Before my workout today, I drank a NOS energy drink. Now, since I became a "Health Nut" I've sworn off of these evil things. But if you had seen the crap I ate the past 2 days, you'd understand why my workout needed an extra kick start today.

First of all, I'd like to announce that Sprite is a gateway soda. True, it is an extremely healthier alternative to Dr. Pepper or any other dark sodas. It's got no caffeine but the bubbles and lemon-ey taste is just right. However, I'm the type of person that can't have just ONE of anything. Oh, your wedding has an open bar? I'm gonna drink until I puke and then drink some more. Oh, you're not gonna finish your fries? What kind of person throws away fries? Give 'em to me! I do everything in excess, which is my main struggle with my weight loss journey. Anyway, before you know it, 
I'm on my 4th Sprite and have had no water. 
My advice is just to stay away from all sodas if you're weak-minded, like me.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I we're craving sweets. I ate a honey bun and a pack of donuts. I slapped myself after I read the calories. What a fatass move! The day before yesterday, I binged on cookies at work because my stomach wouldn't shut the hell up. It shut up alright. I was stuffed with sugar and couldn't sleep that night.

So, today at the gym, I did my usual 3 miles on the treadmill (off and on incline), and still had so much energy left over, I decided to try the arm machine. I'm still not sure what it's called but it's like doing pushups sitting down. I alternated between 10 and 20 lbs weights. And THEN, I wanted to take advantage of all this energy, so I hopped on the elliptical. It might not be the actual elliptical. It's more of a gliding machine, with a stepping motion? I don't know. I guess I should learn my machine's names.

So anyway, here's an updated picture of me this week. Nice and sweaty. I know I'm gonna feel it tomorrow, but the fact that I'm covered in sweat and my stomach is louder than the engine in my car must mean I burned enough calories today. Also, I think those energy drinks aren't as dangerous if you put them to good use. You get health problems when you sit down on your wide ass and let yourself bloat up. 


Thanks for reading, and feel free to comment with tips or advice.

Working out before work

Never again will I power walk 3 miles on incline before work. It's taking everything inside me not to get an energy drink. I don't want my workout to be in vain. But damn I'm tired. I've got pricing, organizing, counting, and lots of standing to do. Also, as of 5 minutes ago, I'm the only manager on duty. I'd like to collapse now, please. It'll all be worth it when my thighs don't jiggle and I only have one chin. My face is actually looking slimmer. I've cut everything out of my diet that has any high fructose corn syrup. So, I'm exhausted, but my options are limited at work. I'm not sure how "healthy" Sobe is, but it didn't say it contained any syrup. It says it has vitamins and antioxidants, so here goes. I had the most amazing sub today. My favorite sub from Subway is the Oven Roasted Chicken with EVERYTHING. The more toppings, the better. If I have to eat healthy, I'm gonna eat good! I refuse to starve myself. Eew.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell y'all:
I'm not sure if I'm a scatter brain, I'm tired, or if I'm having powerful withdrawals from no caffeine, but I'm losing my damn mind. At the gym this morning, I left my phone on the toilet paper holder and took a shower. When I got out it was missing. I freaked. The cleaning lady found it in the trash can. I'm not accusing anyone because it's wrong to judge people you don't know, but I swear I didn't throw it away. Either way, I said a prayer and got it back. Thank God! AND THEN I get to work and after being on the clock for 45 minutes, I lost my keys. Long story short, I set them down in the bottom of a box they had no business being in. I give up on this day. I'm so ready to nap, it's unreal.

5 very easy tips for beginning your weight loss journey:

1. No alcohol. Not worth it. Bad for your insides and your skin. I dropped alcohol and dropped 40lbs, without exercise.
2. No soda. Read the sugar content. All it does is bloat you and dehydrate you. Your body doesn't need it.
3. Drink water constantly. It helps clear up your skin, clean out your system, and staying hydrated also helps you avoid extra snacking. Sometimes your body is thirsty, not hungry.
4. Change what you buy. It's pretty simple. If there are no brownies in your kitchen, you won't snack on brownies. I feel a million times more energetic and active after snacking on bananas and apples, vs fattening foods.
5. Read the back of everything. Once you realize how many calories are actually in everything you're eating, and realize you're way over your recommended daily intake, that alone will help you drop some pounds.

Why am I always hungry?

It's annoying because I'm dead serious about getting in shape. I'm so broke right now though, that even if I did say "screw being sexy" and wanted to get a fatass burger, I couldn't even afford it. I'm surprised I always find a way to drink Muscle Milk and eat Subway. And salads aren't always cheap.

Speaking of salads, I have to tell y'all about each delicious salad I've eaten recently. McDonalds has pretty good Southwest Chicken salads. It's so big and filled with deliciousness, I have to order an extra piece of grilled chicken just to soak up all the flavors. Yummy black beans and corn, tortilla bits, Newman's southwest dressing... Very filling. Tonight I had a Berry and Almond Something or Other from Wendys. It was good. It had strawberries, blueberries, and the most delicious raspberry vinegarette I've ever tasted. I don't think I've ever really had fruit-flavored dressing before but my tongue was happy. But the best salad I've ever had was from Chick-fil-A. It had so many different ingredients and fruits, I was in paradise. I had also ordered a bowl of fruit for a snack which wasn't too pricy and actually tasted fresh! Oh, I also had a chicken salad from Jack in the Crack. I love their sandwiches so much, but the salad was forgettable. Sorry Jack.

I have this image of my future self in my head and whenever I think about ordering a bacon covered fatty McFat meal, I picture it. I'm back in my Freshman year jeans and tank top. I have a flat stomach and no cottage cheese thighs, and my arms are toned and sun-kissed. Must not get out if bed and heat up cheese fries. Must not eat cheese fries. God, I love potatoes though. :( Beauty really is pain.

I'm always hungry.

A very serious post.

I won't feel better until I spill all my thoughts about the subject. When I was in 6th grade, someone pointed out a mole on the side of my face, up towards my hair line. I knew it was there but didn't know it drew so much attention. Over the years people would point it out and I'd just laugh it off and say it was a birth mark. Deep down I feared that it was melanoma. I can't have skin cancer. I just can't. My brain is very good at two things: denial and obsession. In my head, I either do one or the other. I denied the beauty mark and kept carrying on with life. Until a few months ago. I noticed a smaller freckle-type spot under my hair on the other side of my head. I obsessed about it to my mom, who always tells me I'm a hypochondriac. Eventually I blew it off. But now that I'm tanning at the gym, the worries are coming back. What if I do have skin cancer and I'm making it worse by hopping in the tanning bed? What if I stayed in denial for so long that it has advanced? I was googling pictures and some of them look exactly like what's on my face. I'm freaking out so much on the inside that I'm numb on the outside. For the past few weeks I've been feeling on top of the world and so happy about the way my life was going. Why can't I stay in denial? I mean, what am I really gonna do about it? I silently obsessed about, and put off, going to the lady doctor for way too long because I convinced myself I had cervical cancer. That all turned out just fine. I finally went and such a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders... That's when I started to feel confident about my life. What if I don't get lucky again? What if this is my problem? You know how people have ups and downs? Almost everything has been on the upside lately. What if this is the universe's way of balancing my karma? I've completely turned my life around. I'm happy, healthy, honest, faithful, and have a growing relationship with God.

I don't have health insurance. I'd be screwed regardless because money is already pretty tight. Is it bad that I'm more scared of my face being covered with a big black patch than I am of dying? People die. Ya know? The world is a big, bad, scary place, and it's only getting worse. Maybe I'd rather die young than when I'm a mother of two and a gang member shoots me because I'm in the way of his drive-by. I don't want to die though. I want to be a mom. I want to be with Cody and have a family and make memories..... In the far, far future. I don't want to worry like this.

All I can do is pray.

Progress Picture and ice cream.

These pictures are from my first week with my gym membership. If you follow my blog, you can see the same difference I see in my body. I've been. Doing the yoga and pilates, so I was already making a little progress. I love how I feel during a long inclined walk on the treadmill. At the risk of sounding cheesy, it nearly brings me to tears when I think about how far I've already come.

I can't deprive myself of all the world's deliciousness. Baby and I were craving ice cream last night and had to hop in the car and get some. God, I'm so thankful for moments like that. Our relationship is better than ever. I always look forward to laying next to him at night. He makes me laugh so hard, I forget about all my stress and worries. He's truly a blessing and I thank God everyday that I get to be in love like this. I pray it never ends.

Vacation

For some reason my boss gave me all my days off in a row, including my holiday for the 4th of July. So far, I'm on day 3, and I'm loving it. It's not like I don't enjoy my job, I honestly do. It's just very nice to be able to spend so much time at home, doing things I love.

I'm loving my gym. The only bad thing that's happened to me is, I showered today before I tanned, which I think enhanced the tanning bed effects. I'm pretty uncomfortably burned. But by this time tomorrow I should be somewhat sexy. ;)

Every time I get in the tanning bed, I think about the part on Final Destination (I forget which one) where the two sluts burn to death when they get locked in the tanning bed. I freak out a tiny bit and keep one hand on the handle just to be sure it will open for me.

Anywho... I'm loving working out in a real gym. The treadmill is still my favorite. I don't run, I just power walk and then turn the incline up and power uphill for a while. The only thing I'm not loving about this little vacation is that I'm kinda blowing people off.

Now I'm gonna be real honest here. My dad went to prison when I was 16. Since then, our relationship has been broken beyond repair. I try to stand up for him and honestly don't blame him for anything. I'm a strong person today. But my dog lives with him right now. I want her back, but I have no idea how to go about getting a house when we have so many other things to pay right now. Part of me truly feels like he could do me this one favor without asking for anything in return. But he is asking for money. Which I understand. I mean, dog food costs money. Anyway. If he can't be more patient with me, I might lose her. I've had to move her around so many times over the last few years, I just couldn't stand to hurt her or confuse her again. But if I can't have her now and I can't get him to help, I might have to surrender. :/

Just like with all things, I'm gonna pray. Then I'll probably pour my thoughts out in a text. And even though he knows I hate talking on the phone, he'll call me.

....here goes.

A prayer.

Thank you, God.

Thank you for listening to my heart cry out. Thank you for reaching in my life and pulling me out of my sadness. I was so dark and lonely. You found everything I need and poured it into my life. Now, little by little, I'm growing and becoming a better person. You tell me what to do. You show me which move to make. And when I'm sad, you calm my heart. You've saved me so many times before that I know not to worry when things go wrong.

I wish I could show people all you've done for me. I always feel light-hearted and blissful. My life is not perfect, but being able to trust in you relieves my stress.

I have so much fun everyday. I enjoy myself more now than I ever did when I drank or took pills. I have someone who makes me laugh. I have real love and affection for someone. But it's even more than that. I have confidence in myself, which makes it possible to love someone else.

I was so messed up. I was bruised and broken. I wondered if it was my fault things were going wrong. But the very minute I prayed to you, you pulled me out of the darkness and tossed me in this place. This place where my heart is happy and content.
Pour out your blessings on people who can't see you. I used to say I believed. But I prayed for things I wanted, not what you wanted. Reach in people's hearts and show them what you want for them. What you had planned for me was a billion times better than my own plans. Every day I'm seeing new blessings. Other people need to realize this happiness. 

Thank you for everyday. Thank you for all the things I have and all the things I'm able to do. I want this feeling forever. You're amazing.

-Amen

My goal is to be desired.

I signed up for a membership at Planet Fitness. And I have so much to share about today. I feel so proud of myself because usually, I have to have a friend go with me or I'll be too embarrassed to try anything new. It was like the first day of school. I kept thinking I was gonna have to choose which group of people to eat lunch with, but I gotta say.. This gym is everything I need. I walked in and went straight to the treadmill. The only other gym I've ever been a member of was Curves. I liked the sisterhood of the empowering women. Which was great.  But I love my new gym. Like I've said before, I'm in such a peaceful and "ready" place in my life right now. I've overcome so many obstacles just in the last year, I know now is the time I'll stick to my plans.

I stayed on the treadmill for an hour. That was my comfort zone. I'm not good at leaving my comfort zone. But I am proud of myself for being solo. Im trying to get in my own head and realize how beautiful I am. I like spending the day with myself. I've never really had this much alone time. The more I focus on getting in shape, the better my relationship gets. When I drown him with attention, I forget about myself and neither of us is happy. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel desired. I want to walk across the house in my panties and catch him staring at how hot my body is. The good news is that he fell in love with me when I was fat. But when you don't love yourself enough to put in any effort, why should anyone else love you?

I just feel so good right now. I feel strong and motivated. I've been laughing and smiling. I feel blessed. The pessimist in me believes something bad is about to happen. But if I pray and I take care of my responsibilities, why don't I deserve to be this ecstatic?

Side Effects

First off, I have to say how much better I feel now. I can play games, but when it's time to get down to the core problem, I always have to speak my mind. Otherwise, what's the point? Say what you want and if the person you love isn't willing to listen, move on. Hopefully we stay this way because I literally could die right now, I'm so happy. I'm very dramatic.

Now, B6. Oh Brother. B6 is good for many things: metabolism, PMS, nervous system, seratonin levels, etc. BUT, and the reason this is so important is because I take my every thought and dream seriously.... B6 gives me bad dreams. I've been taking it for almost a month now so it's had plenty of time to reach my system. I have such vivid dreams that I wake up feeling pissed off at my boyfriend for something he didn't do. My anxiety is so bad and I'm such an emotional mess of a person, that this throws off my whole day. Now I don't want to stop taking the vitamin because of all the great benefits. So I just had to change my way of thinking. This reminds me of melatonin. SIGH. A side effect of melatonin is vivid dreaming. Which can sometimes be scary. But there's no sleep better than sleeping on a 3mg melatonin pill. Well, except for a shot of Niquil. Now that's good sleep. Anyway...

I have to love myself. I used to hate when people said that because it sounds so cheesy and pointless. But it has solved all my problems. The way I see it is I am deeply in lust and love with my sweetheart because of the way he is, in every aspect. And the fact that he seems to not care how he turns me on, turns me on even more. To get to the point.. you have to be someone worth falling in love with. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't work out, who doesn't put effort into themselves, someone who only thinks and cares about you? Hell no. You want someone who is confident, healthy, and happy. I'm going to be that person. I feel better this way; working out everyday and putting effort into myself inside and out. I feel blessed to be this happy! :)

It looks good!

I'm noticing a way flatter stomach and slimmer arms and legs. I'm not exactly where I want to be yet, but I'm a little less embarrassed to take off my shirt in front of my boyfriend. And here's the truth: I don't starve myself and I don't eat salad all day, everyday. But what I do is make a decision between having leftover cake for breakfast or a banana. I always choose the banana. And I honestly feel better! It's not like I never enjoy fast food either. It's just that I always get grilled chicken sandwiches or a large salad instead of deep-fried fat. The thing I'm most strict about is snacking and sodas. Of course every once in a while I'll take a sip of my boyfriend's Dr. Pepper, but I never get my own. 99% of everything I drink is water. And not just when I'm thirsty; I'm obsessed with water. I like cleansing the toxins from my body. My skin looks better and I pee a lot. Soda is just not good. Ever since I watched Super Size Me, and I saw how much sugar is in a 2 liter... no. Just no. It feels good to make lifestyle changes. I've always tried crash diets or excessive workouts and noticed that when you have unrealistic expectations and put too much pressure on yourself, you usually let yourself down. Yea, it's a process and it'll take time, but months from now I'll be glad I made these changes. The fact that my arms are slimmer and my tummy is shrinking is enough to keep me going. :)

When you come home to me

When you're on your way home from work, listening to the radio, do any songs remind you of me?
When people mention your girl do you smile and blush? Or do you shrug your shoulders and change the subject.
When you wake up in the middle of the night and I'm by your side, do you feel like I'm taking up space? Or do you slide closer?
When you catch a glimpse of me getting in the shower, do you turn away or look for more?
When a pretty girl smiles at you, do you think of me?
When you say "I love you too" is it out of habit or is it true?
Do I give you chills when I whisper in your ear?
Do you feel nervous when I hold your hand?
Are you embarrassed that I call you my man?
Do you care about my dreams and goals?
Do you notice when I want you to hold me?

I feel cold at night. It's a sad feeling. It's like I'm reaching and pulling and we're constantly out of touch. Is it me?

What can I do to get your attention? What should I wear? How should I talk? Do I care to much? Or do you not care at all?

I lost my mojo.

I haven't worked out in days. It's starting to take a toll on my mental health. I'm feeling insecure and depressed. All things, big and small are keeping me frantic at night. I'm feeling like I need my boyfriend's attention or I don't feel beautiful. Which then makes me the weaker one in the relationship and now its like I'm needy and emotional.
Why does he get to play games with my head? I can play games too. My mission is to get my mojo back. I'm gonna work out everyday, keep the house clean, and focus on ME. How did I get him in the first place? I acted like I didn't need him. And why should I? Even if he is the only reason my heart melts. Even if his brown eyes make me drool. Who cares? I can be irresistible. And i will be. :)

Unorganized thoughts.

So the thing about my brain that  hate, is that if something isn't wrong, I will create something that's wrong. It's like I constantly have to worry about things. My boyfriend is complicated. When I'm the one wanting affection and love, he pulls away. When I act cold, he's the one wondering what's wrong. Sometimes I like it this way because I know how the struggle of power works and I can flip it any way I want. BUT most of the time I hate it. Because I'm usually the needy one. I usually create an issue in my mind because he can go longer without affection than I can. Anyway,  the whole problem is that he's my everything. Before I met him I basically was just this unhappy and unhealthy person. And it's not that he's a saint.. it's just that now I realize what's important in my life. I don't want to be out getting drunk and doing things that would hurt or embarrass him. Its not fun anymore to waste money and act slutty. Its more than I ever dreamed of, to be laying in our bed at night, laughing and watching TV. So I've decided I'm leaving my party days in the past. I love him so much for who he is and I would die if I ever hurt him or lost him. Ok so maybe he doesn't always need to hear that he's my everything. Maybe I need to grow a thicker skin. I know how I feel, but constantly speaking your mind isn't always a good thing.

A few things my body has taught me about Yoga

Yoga is a workout designed for your body. You use your own motions and breathing to work your body out. The thing I love the most about it is you learn how to use resistance with no machine and without running out of breath. You are training your body to stretch in new positions, becoming stronger and more flexible each time. The first day that I started yoga it was a little challenging. It was hard to balance and maintain each stance. But doing it everyday has helped my body to improve in many ways. I feel like I'm getting a full range in motion and not just trying to keep up with the DVD. Like I said in my last post I'm noticing that my arms and stomach muscles are flatter and more toned. When I go to work I don't feel like I'm always pushing through the day. At the very very least Yoga helps to wake up my muscles and stretch my neck and shoulders for the day. I know that any workout is good to relieve stress but there's something about doing a calm workout, like yoga, that doesn't leave you feeling sweaty and sore. Not to say that I don't love those workouts as well, but sometimes its nice to wake your joints up without running a 5K before work. Also, something I haven't researched yet, Yoga seems to help relieve cramps. :)

Stressed out before my workout. Obviously.

I don't have much to update about today - just that I started taking B6 along with B12 because B6 is supposed to help with your nervous system. And like I said before I know I have some type of panic attack disorder. I freak out and stress myself out about little things. :/

I haven't been drinking any soda! I drink gallons of water all day everyday and I feel amazing. I have also been keeping up with my workout and I try to do either yoga or pilates everyday. I'm noticing a difference in my body already. Of course I'm not going to see dramatic changes right away but I am seeing more toned muscles. On the days that I do yoga before I go to work, I have more energy throughout the day and can stay focused on my tasks.

I'm a little stressed out. Mostly about money. But what can you do except take things one day at a time and pray?

In all honesty the only thing that matters to me is him. I don't like putting myself out there to seem desperate or hopelessly in love but the truth is that I am. He makes me laugh every day and he fills my heart with so much warmth and a feeling of belonging that I never want to lose. I have bad dreams that he's going to move on and find somebody else and I wake up brokenhearted, feeling like I've been destroyed. Could that happen to me? God I hope not. He's my everything. I guess I need to work out.

Everyone is a jerk.

Guess how much crappy food I ate today. I have no idea what's gotten into everybody that makes them want to just give me food all day, for free. I took an apple, banana, and an orange to work today. I walk in the break area and see 2 boxes of what could only be delicious donuts. I try to clock in without looking directly at the boxes, but then April speaks up. "Come on, Kaylee. They're glazed." Dammit. Then lunch time rolls around and someone else offers me a slice of meat-lovers. Then APRIL enables me even further by ordering Chinese food. I just couldn't pass up free beef and broccoli. Yum.... egg rolls. Dammit. THEN APRIL (I'm starting to notice a pattern) buys me a Rockstar. You can't just return an energy drink. I had no choice. I tell myself I'm going to skip dinner to punish myself, but then I get home and Cody gives me chicken strips. :'( :'(

What the hell, people?
I should be stronger but I'm blaming all of you!!!

I'm about to do infinity crunches.

Meditation.

So I kept my promise and did some yoga today. Bur before I even start my Pilates, I just had to post this realization that I had while I was meditating. The DVD told me to relax and listen to myself breathe for 2 to 5 minutes I use that time to pray. I have complete faith that God will give me everything I need because He's always done so when I truly let him into my life. The thing is though, I forget to be grateful for what I do have. I was asking God to show me what house He wanted us to have which is partly the correct way to ask. However the way I worded it was to start off by saying that I'm miserable in our apartment now. What I realized is that if I want God to bless me and show me things I need to accept what I already have been given. I can't just speak ill of my blessings now when I could be so much worse off. It may not seem like it is but it is a form of being ungrateful when I don't thank God for giving me this small apartment. One day in the future I will look back on this apartment and feel like I've overcome obstacles and tribulations. If I can't look at my life now as a blessing, in the future I will never appreciate what I currently have, or what I came from. It is a difficult thing to do to give your entire life up to God but He's in control. What He wants to happen will happen whether you like it or not so you might as well just give him control now. One of my posts from last month was about how I was trying to do everything on my own without trusting in God. When I finally told God, out loud on 28th Street, like a crazy person, "Please show me the way, show me what you want me to do. You know I need a car. Which one do you want me to have?" You have to go back and read the post titled Brad Paisley in order to get the full story, but I knew God was talking to me that day. So from now until next week or next month or even next year I'm going to appreciate this apartment. God put me here with someone who loves me and helps me when I need it. He gave me a home and I need to recognize it before I take it for granted. When the time is right and when He feels we're ready to have a house, He'll push us in that direction and it will be such a flawless move that I'll know its Him.

I'm using my boyfriends phone until further notice.

So what happened was my puppy chewed up all 4 of our phone chargers. I thought that I would try to be crafty and tape a charger back together which ended up frying my phone. I can't type worth anything on this phone so I'm using that little text to type app in order to post this blog today. I still don't have a phone charger so since today is my day off I guess I just won't be using this phone unless it's an emergency. When I think about how upset I am it makes me realize how dependent I am on technology. I know that if I didn't have a smartphone and Facebook I would get so much more work done. I'd probably work out more,I'd probably have a clean house. I probably wouldn't be frustrated all the time. I think this could be a good experience for me, having to do without a phone. It was kind of nice yesterday to do a full hour and a half of yoga without any interruptions. However, I kept having this urge to check and see what other people had been posting all day. And you know, the truth is that I honestly don't care what most of these people have to say most of the time, its just the act of scrolling through the page that I'm addicted to. In fact, I hate Facebook. I hate the fact that people post stupid whiny crap and my feed is bombarded with cliche quotes and pictures that I've seen multiple times. The only thing I really like about it is keeping in touch with my old friends and family. It's just so cluttered. Come to think of it, I'm really not upset that I can't be on my phone all day today this will be good for me. While we're on the topic of media and technology I tried to get a Pintrest the other day. It was just about as overwhelmingly confusing as Twitter so I deleted it after about half an hour.

As far as workouts go, I'm really enjoying these DVDs. My entire body is sore from the full 2hr Pilates workout I did the other day. And I think alternating Yoga and Pilates every other day should help my body to heal from the day before and I'll be able to relax in between extreme workouts. Today's my day off so I'm probably going to take a nap and then wake up and do some Pilates, stay off my phone and get this house clean. Also I met someone who might be able to help Cody and I find house so I'm praying hard about that.

Day one thoughts about Yoga and Pilates.

Last night I made myself go to sleep an hour earlier so that I could wake up earlier. I watched the Yoga DVD and did 2 out of 4 of the workouts. I gotta admit: I have no balancing skills. I'm gonna stick with it though because it was a great warm-up, and the relaxation portions really worked. I stopped halfway through because I feel like the Yoga was helping more with calming, balancing, and stretching my body, which is great. But I really wanted and needed a more intense workout. Granted, I did pick "Gentle Yoga", I still wanted more of a workout.

Pilates are no joke! My arms are killing me, which feels good because I'm focusing more on my upper body. I'm not gonna plan to do this every day, because when I put too much pressure on myself, I always let myself down. So I'm gonna try and do it every other day. Today, because I tried both DVDs, I ended up working out for almost 2 hours. I don't want to hit a plateau too soon though. It feels good to have a small energy boost.

Note to self: Buy a smoothie maker. I tried to make green tea this morning... tasted like metal ass.

One Year Anniversary <3

On this day, one year ago, my entire life was flipped right-side-up. I was in the middle of leaving behind a tumultuous relationship and diving head first into something new. It was a rocky road, this first year, but I'm too excited to be where we are today. One thing I've learned about relationships is that common interests are important. I always told myself I was stupid for hating almost everything about my ex, except that we both loved to get drunk and high very frequently. I thought there was something wrong with me and just accepted the things that drove me crazy because I thought it was love. We were convenient for each other. We stayed together for so long because we were all each other had. But he was always yelling at me, and I was always unhappy. Now that I've sobered up and grown over the last year, I've realized so much about us. We were never meant to make it. We're too different. And I hope that wherever he is now, he's taking care of himself and looking for someone who has more in common with him when he's sober, and will treat him right.

Cody is amazing. He makes me laugh every single day. I get to be myself and laugh at silly things. I get home from work and drinking alcohol is not the first thing on my mind. In fact, I very rarely drink. My favorite thing about him are his eyes. They're dark brown and deep. I can't begin to explain how excited he makes me. Literally every single day I feel blessed just to have dinner with him, watch tv, and go to sleep. I could go into detail about all our little quirks and the things that melt my heart, but then they wouldn't be special anymore. All I know is I'm happy just being here. We argue and bicker at each other but we both mean well. We're really always on the same page. There are tons more things that we have to fix about ourselves, but just this past year, we have both climbed some large mountains. And I know we couldn't have done it without each other.

As far as working out goes, I think our pillow fight before bedtime should suffice as a good arm exercise.

Every time I eat healthy....

I stay hungry. Today I woke up and ate a banana, an orange, and cottage cheese with chopped peaches. I was full and satisfied... somewhat. So I ate another banana. I got to work and ate my 6pc Tyson nuggets, an apple, and another banana. That wasn't enough. I had a small bag of kettle cooked chips... not enough. What is wrong with me? I guess snacking on fruits and veggies all day is better than fatass foods, but still. I want to be full and bursting with energy. So I went to Subway. I put away an ENTIRE foot-long!!! Mmmmm... grilled chicken covered in olives and peppers! I've just been dragging ass all day and I honestly don't want to believe it's my healthy food! I know it's lack of exercise. A banana is better than a burrito, but if you sit back down and do nada all day, might as well have eaten the crap.

On another note:
My job is easy. I'm really glad I transferred stores. I will always miss the people I became friends with, but I've already learned so much more than I would have if I had stayed. It's also nice to be at a store where all eyes are NOT on you. Just a regular store....  taken it easy, but still kicking ass. I still wish there was a way to convince people that it takes less than 20 minutes to clean up, and the clothes on the floor are nothing to squawk about. But who am I to decide what's squawk-worthy. I do my fair share of panicking. Which reminds me: I'm gonna try yoga tonight while Babe is at his car meet/race thing. Oh also, we're looking for a house. ;)

Inspired by Super Size Me!

I stopped by the library yesterday and picked up some Yoga and Pilates books with dvds. I'm so excited to finally learn yoga, not only for the workout, but for the de-stressing effect. I also rented Super Size Me. If you haven't seen this movie, for whatever reason, I highly recommend it. I'm not gonna start bashing McDonald's because I love McChickens as much as the next person. But the information the doctors and nutritionist shared did make me think. I mean, yea, realistically you're not eating fast food 3 times a day. But the fact that replacing all other meals with fast food have that kind of effect on your body, should make you realize how unhealthy that junk really is. When a person eats Subway 3 times a day, they become healthier. I'm not sure how long I'll stand firm with my feelings about fast food, but I'm completely turned off by all of it now.

I went to the grocery store after the movie and bought healthier alternatives: apple's, bananas, etc. This journey I'm on with my health and getting in shape is so much more important to me than a good burger.

Nothing makes me happier than good smells.

I am always tired. I try and stay pumped up, but always end up dragging ass after I've been awake for 2 hours. I love the rush I get after a Rockstar. I feel motivated enough to run a 5K and still have enough in me to cook dinner and clean the house. But I feel guilty after I come down, like most drugs make you feel.

New plan: I'm gonna buy a blender and start having energizing smoothies throughout the day. Bananas are a great source of energy, and you just can't go wrong when you go natural. Also, when you think you're hungry, there's a small chance that you're just dehydrated. I'm just gonna repeat this throughout my day: "Water and smoothies, water and smoothies. Don't you dare touch that Dr.Pepper, Fattie."

Today I made $20 fulfill all my basic needs. I'm a simple girl and don't need much, so its quite easy for me to use change sparingly. First stop: The gas station. I'd rather run out of clean underwear than gas. Plus, it's really not good for your car; any dummy knows that. Got a smoothie, (which may or may not be made with real fruit, but what I don't know won't kill me), and got $5.00 worth of gas. Next, I poured ALL OUR CLOTHES in one giant washer and used triple the amount of recommended detergent. I headed to the dollar store and grabbed $1.00 deodorant, lotion, and tooth paste, (all of which we can't survive through the week without). I washed my car at warp speed, and then threw the clothes in the dryer. To top off my productive couple of hours, I got myself a little scented tree for my car. Nothing makes me happier than good smells.

mysterious-ness.

I wish I could be more mysterious. every time I meet someone new I end up telling them my whole story. The reason is because if I don't, they assume false facts. I recently transferred to a new store. I was already in my current position for the past 9 months, and could not stand the fact that people might think I'm new and don't know what I'm doing. Why can't I just work hard and let them assume what they want? Why do I care about what people think? They don't sign my paychecks.

When I tell someone about my current relationship, I feel like they assume this is the longest relationship I've been in, so I feel the need to tell people about my previous, five year relationship. I have to spill my every secret and experience. I have to tell them about my party days, the 30 pounds I lost, my ex going to prison, my family problems, my job history, my charter school education, my zodiac, and holy crap, so much more.

Why can't I just say "Hello" and let them wonder? Maybe I think I'm cool. Maybe I'm just an extremely open person. No, that's not it. I definitely just care too much about the opinions of EVERYONE. Like it matters.... I'm gonna work on creating some form of mystery about myself. Just like in a relationship where you make the other person chase you, I am going to play hard to get... with strangers. ;)

Unhealthy Update.... I'm only human.

I've been unhealthy lately. I'm just broke. I've got all my bills caught up, but have very little left over to buy groceries. Therefore, I'm eating like crap. I'm not snacking, I'm just eating more fast food. BUT I have completely knocked out energy drinks. Now my body's like "What the hell, dude?!" And I'm extra tired and thrown off lately. I'm just waiting for things to even out again. Also, I ran out of ginseng. Nooooo....
But it'll be ok. I think I'm just gonna have to add some extra workouts to my daily routine - which currently consists of no workouts. I know, I was doing so good! This is the exact reason why I don't diet. When you try and force yourself to be repetitive and strict, your brain just itches to break the plan. And then, for some reason, once you mess up you feel like the whole day or week is screwed, so you might as well start over on Monday.

Our one year anniversary is coming up. I can't believe how much we've both grown in a year! I think I need to be nicer to him. I feel like I always expect so much and, I'm so used to getting disappointed and hurt, that I'm ready to throw in the towel when he does the tiniest thing wrong. But just because he's not perfect doesn't mean he's not perfect for me. I can't have everything. I am blessed though. Since I've turned my life around and started giving things to God again, things seem to just fall into place. That's how I know something is "meant to be". I prayed for happiness. That's all I really need. I push so hard for everything to be perfect all the time, or else my head might explode. But when I let Him take over and take the pressure off of myself, I can just relax and enjoy the show.

Plasma.

Tried to donate plasma today. Same thing happened that happened 3 years ago. My veins are too small. What does that even.....why? Ugh. I guess I'm not meant to have money today. I never understand God's plans but if something doesn't work out, it always works out. "Do u know what I'm sayin'? So shit, man. Fuck it." -The 40 Year Old Virgin

Anyway. I'm not gonna cry about it. I needed to get out of the house. And besides.. I'm thankful for all the struggles I went through. It sounds cheesy when people say it makes you stronger, but it really does. I had nothing, not just at one point, but many times. No job, no car, not really a place to call home. I know how to make a dollar last. I know how to survive on noodles and tuna. I don't need a lot. Its nice to have things, if you can afford them, but I'm not gonna freak out when it's two days before payday and all there is in the fridge is celery (from a previous post). I know what it's like to have nothing, so I don't worry about anything anymore.

I used to be jealous of people who could always lean on Mommy and Daddy when times got hard. But now I almost feel bad for them. What would a spoiled kid do if they lost their home or car? What would they do if they had to make $20 last a week? I'll tell you what I'd do: Take my ass to McDonald's and get a couple McChickens. Then chug a gallon of water to fill up. People need to learn how to live with the basics. ;)

Laundromat.

That's where I'm blogging from. The laundromat. If I must say, I have had a very productive week. I started at my new store yesterday. Someone already pissed me off. Stupid person. I'm used to people knowing that what I say goes. Don't try and tell me I'm doing it wrong. I just get so set off by people who think they know too much. Maybe I think I'm more important than I am? Whatever. I'm the shit. Today I made a new floormap of the store and had everyone moving things over. The same girl kept rollin her eyes at me and talking shit about how it's all wrong. Excuse you? You're wrong. I used to be shy and not able to stand up for myself but I let it be known today that I wasn't deaf. Or stupid. I talked to the assistant manager, who I've known for years. She made me feel a lot better. I'm not worried. I just don't want her saying anything about me when I'm not there. But...if you're pissing people off then you're doing something right.

In other news:
I'm officially driving a car, that's leased in my name, with up-to-date tags, AND insurance. I had to cash in all our coins to pay the insurance, but man does it feel damn good!

As far as my diet goes:
I've been too broke to eat. But don't feel bad for me. If I'm broke then I can't afford energy drinks. I seem to have replaced my soda addiction with Rockstars. Terrible. But I'll be fine. I've noticed I can't seem to go to sleep at night, so I've decided to quit cold turkey. Tomorrow I'm going to donate plasma with my "breast friend". That is, if they can find my vein, which they couldn't do before. But I desperately need the money.

So that's my update. Just doin grownup stuff. I'm gonna workout tomorrow and clean my stupid, tiny apartment.

Recent accomplishments and new goals

Over this past year I have:
-Quit drinking. Not, like cold turkey, I'm still human. But nowhere even close to how I used to drink. I'm talking vodka for breakfast. Now I probably have a beer maybe once a month. This is probably the biggest reason I've lost 30 lbs.
-Finally leased a car in my own name again. First time leasing, billionth time having a car.
-Fixed my bank account credit enough to actually have an account again.
-Finally went to the doctor and got a checkup, which reassured me that I'm completely fine, and also a hypochondriac.
-Stayed at a job for more than 6 months, making more than I've ever made for this amount of time.
-Witnessed God's blessings more than once.
-tithing. It feels good to give money here and there. I know it comes back around 10X over. Even without a reward, I still love it.

Things I need to do:
-Make friends and hang out with them outside of work.
-Get a gym membership.
-Pay off ALL my debt.
-Get a house.
-Lose more lbs.
-Grow out my hair.
-Make plans and follow through with them.
-Start yoga.
-Go to church, at least once a month. Or at least listen to worship music more often.

Breathing

So I had a tiny anxiety attack. I think. What happened was just an argument with my boyfriend about money. I have bills I need his help with because of my new car payment and then I found out my bank account was overdrawn by "excessive activity". Ugh. It's my fault for trying to do too much too fast. Trying to throw all my money into savings when I knew I'd be transferring it out in 5 minutes for gas. Stupid.

Anyway. My face got really hot and red, fast. I freaked out because I swear you could have fried bacon on my cheeks, they were so hot. I started to wonder if I was going to spontaneously combust, which made me freak out more.

When I'm mad, when anyone's mad or frustrated, to keep from punching a wall or a person, what is your body's first instinct? To take a deep breath and exhale loudly. You might not even know you do it, but think about it. Unless you're one of those people who just hits things, in which case, I feel ya, bro. :)

So I googled "breathing techniques for anxiety". I'm going to try a few of them out and post about them later. So far, I've found that the fact that I'm concentrating on breathing and counting keeps me distracted from my stress. This might be a very helpful solution. I'm not sure if the calm breathing itself is what's working, but I'm willing to try anything.

In the meantime, my puppy is hiding her face under the blanket because my temper tantrum scared her. I'm a monster. :/

Brad Paisley

My plan was to run errands today, but when I got in the car, it decided not to start. I'm way passed tired of crying about things not going my way. And since I had that talk with my boss about giving my worries to God, I decided to talk to God about it. Somewhat sarcastically, I took a deep breath and said "Alright, God. What is it you want me to do?" I'm serious. In the parking lot of our apartments, I wiped the tears from my eyes and spoke out loud to God. I went back upstairs and prayed. I called my boyfriend and yelled at him for a few minutes, telling him I was going to call him back after I fixed everything. I called a cab and rode down to the car lot that was supposed to work with me. The app process was too easy. I tried two different cars. One wouldn't turn, due to lack of power steering, and the second car died on me in the middle of the test drive. When the lady finally showed up, she didn't offer any assistance to me. She had me steer the car into oncoming traffic, while she pushed me into the middle of 28th street. I hung out at the gas station with these unprofessional car salesmen until they figured out what they were doing. Finally, I got to ride back with the manager. All she had to say was "I don't know what car you're going to buy now." She offered no alternative solution. I asked if I could pay out a larger down payment on a different car, which the younger girl threw me the keys to and told me to test drive. When I got back, feeling excited about finally finding a decent car, the lady behind the counter told me they were unable to help me today but I could come back tomorrow for a cheaper car.. seriously. It was 2000° outside and they never apologized for any inconvenience. I started to cry, but decided I'd look ridiculous walking down the street alone, sobbing. I hadn't been defeated. I prayed and asked God to show me which car He wanted me to have. I stopped by every car lot on the way home and finally... finally found salvation. I walked inside, voice shaking, sweat dripping, throat choking back tears, and I asked the question I had asked 4 previous lots on my long walk: "I have $240 cash and $600 coming in one week. Do you have any cheap cars you can work out a deal on? Really, I'll take anything." They looked at me like I was crazy but an older white man, who reminded me of my uncle (who happened to sell me my first car) said he had one he could show me. We walked up to the car and I remembered hearing my boyfriend say how he hated Chevys, (which turned out to be a lie). Immediately, Brad Paisley's song "Mud on the Tires" popped in my head; the part where he sings about gettin the keys to his brand new Chevrolet. Believe it or not, when we got in the car and turned on the radio, "Mud on the Tires" was playing. My heart cried. I was so happy and in disbelief. People say you'll know when God's talking to you. God knows the best way to get my attention is through an obvious sign like that - the only kind I would understand. We signed the papers and they were more than willing to work with me. If you follow my blog, you know how important it is to me to have a car in my name. So much weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So much. I'm praising God's name today, and never again will I deny that He exists. He's there, you just have to let him be heard.

The BURN!

Don't you love it? The burn you feel during your workout, where it hurts so good? It hurts but it feels like progress so you don't want to stop. When I run on the treadmill I can go all day, till I get that tiny cramp in my side. But lifting my baby dumbbell or doing crunches, I never get tired. I feel proud of the burn. I feel thinner and toned immediately. And the next day, the day after a good workout, when you feel sore and hurt, that's a great feeling. It feels like you accomplished something. You did something yesterday that was more useful than watching Family Feud and stuffing your face with hot fries. The burn is good.

Buying veggies and saving for a car.

The thing about healthy food is that it expires. It should disgust you that the twinkies and brownies that have been in the pantry for over a month are STILL in one piece. I made the mistake of buying extra vegetables and fruits last time I shopped. I just threw away 5 bananas. :( Lesson learned: when shopping healthy, don't stock up. If it's good for you, it goes bad. While I'm on the subject of spending money, this week, money is tight. I'm giving up on my plan to just buy a car straight up. Something always goes wrong and there's always an issue getting the tags renewed. I don't have time or patience to fix other people's problems. Cody does. His hobby is fixing up cars and making them badass, while I couldn't really care less how cool it is, as long as it runs. I have a little less than $300 to my name. Rent is due and Cody is helping me by buying everything we need this week. I'm trying my hardest not to spend ANY money. When payday comes I WILL get a car. I don't want a car payment, but it will help fix my credit, I suppose. No Ifs, Ands, or Buts about it. This time next week I will have my own car, with legal tags, and no problems! Side Note: since the boyfriend is buying dinner all week, I won't be eating as healthy.

I guess I'll eat the broccoli.

Doesn't that look more delicious that
a fat-ass burger? Ok, maybe not.

A burger would taste better. Thick, greasy meat and cheese, covered in toppings and condiments...my mouth is watering just thinking about it. Can you tell my fridge is empty? I'm starving. But now would be the perfect time to enjoy all those vegetables I bought two weeks ago. They've just been sitting in the fridge, looking at me, making me feel guilty for ignoring them. Ok, ok, I get it. Dammit. But I have to admit that eating my greens does make me feel a lot better than a McChicken ever could. I'm not gonna lie and say it's always filling and satisfying to have a salad instead of pizza, but afterwards my body does feel better. After I gorge myself on a large meat-lover's with extra cheese and peppers, I feel pathetic. I feel full and tired and I don't have the energy to wipe the sauce off my face. But after a big salad I feel light and happy. Does life have to be about meals? You eat to survive, not the other way around. If I just get it in my head that my goal is to be energetic and to not jiggle, I can enjoy these vegetables as much as a bucket of boneless buffalo wings with extra ranch. Here goes....

Spring (summer) cleaning.

A great way to workout is to get down and dirty cleaning every inch of your house. My apartment needs a bath. I'm gonna put on my stretchy clothes, lace up my shoes, and scrub the crap out of every corner. I think it should help me relax also. I'm always stressed out.
I think I get it from my mom; cleaning when I'm sad, stressed, etc. It just feels so good to break a sweat and get all your frustrations out. When I sit down at the end of the day and look at the organization of the room, I let out a peaceful sigh and feel accomplished.

I am a stress-eater.

I'm an extremely emotional person. Things hit me harder than most people. The thing that gets to me the most is my stress. I'm always worried about something. Even when I have a plan to solve all my problems and I feel like I should be able to relax, I just know there's something wrong. I know I forgot to lock or check something at the store. I know I left a mess. It's just the way my brain works.

So I'm sitting at home, watching tv, thinking about all the things I can't control, when suddenly, I get hungry. But I'm not really hungry. I just need something I can control that satisfies me. I like large portions of everything. When I drank, I drank A LOT. When I buy anything, I shop in bulk. When I eat, I fill up. It is just my personality. Why have a little when you can have a lot?

I'm stressed out about a million things, so I eat a sandwich and forget. I used to buy half-gallons of vodka every other day. I used to drink my problems away. Now I eat them.

Knowing and acknowledging this should help me. If I only eat when my stomach is growling, I think I can break the habit.

I need to hang up mirrors around the apartment so I can see myself stuffing my face. Thinking about it disgusts me. Note to self: buy mirrors.

Dumbbell and Debt

I can sit here and watch tv while working out. I know it's not the best way, but it's better than nothing.
I look mad because I worked all day and I'm really too tired to do anything else. I'd prove it by showing you a picture of my dishes (stacked up to the ceiling) but I'll spare myself that embarrassment. I am however, going to keep this picture on here. It shows my double chin and horrible skin. If I had chosen not to eat that chocolate today at work, my face might glow a little more. This is a reminder to myself to search for a cleansing mask. I bought so much healthy food and it's still just sitting in the fridge. It always seems like such a good plan, ya know? Buy all the healthy food and none of the junk. Actually, I guess it has worked because I haven't had anything unhealthy to snack on, except at work. Maybe I should go back to leaving my money at home.
I just transferred all my money to my savings account. I hate taking money out of savings. I used to just have cash stashed in a box at the apartment. I screwed up my bank account with one stupid mistake. Long story short; I disputed and wrote letters to the right companies and a year later, I've got a bank account again. Being able to see the money sitting there in savings makes me not want to touch it. I feel like the bank looks down on me for transferring money from savings to checking. I try not to spend if I don't have to. I've got so much to do with my money. I've set up payment plans with all of the credit collectors but have yet to make a payment. I've only got $3,000 worth of debt. I need a newer car. I need a house. I hate this apartment. I'm always stressed. But like I was saying earlier, I'm going to give it all to God. What have I got to lose?
Basically, my worries are a domino effect. If I can get a newer car that requires very little maintenance, and start over without having to hunt down a title, I'll be able to drive to work without having a panic attack. If I can get that ball rolling, my excess money could go toward paying off my debt. Once my credit is fixed I can get moved into a bigger place. If I'm in a bigger place, where I'm actually on the lease and not hiding from the manager, it won't always seem crowded and messy. If I'm not miserable to be at home, I'll cook more, clean more, actually unpack, and be happy/ peaceful in my own home.
That's the plan. Pray that I don't get pulled over before that happens.

Pizza, God, and Crunches.

Thin crust veggie pizza may not be the healthiest meal, but it is a great, light dinner. Every time my friend, Zoe, and I work together we order a veggie pizza. It tastes like Heaven. All the flavors and juicy colors...just yum. I don't even want to post about the energy drinks I had today because I'm so disappointed. Ugh. But I did manage to throw in a liter of water. :)

I had a long talk with my boss today about God. See, I admitted to him that I'm anxious and depressed. He started to explain how God tests people. He said that if you're going through tough times it's only because God has amazing things planned for you. This helps me a lot because I've always wondered why I'm supposed to thank God when bad things happen. Because why would God want bad things to happen? Why would He want me to have a breakdown in the middle of the Wells Fargo parking lot, cursing, screaming, and crying? Why would He want me to feel like giving up? He wants you to trust in Him. When I give up and give things to Him, things start to work out. When I try to do things on my own, without asking God, I fall flat on my face, in front of the world.

I want to believe in God. I have my own testimony and my own reasons for why I read His word and why I pray. HOWEVER, I have my doubts, which I know is OK. I don't necessarily believe in EVERYTHING the Christian religion tells us. I don't believe that Jesus's birth is when they say it is. By researching Paganism, you can learn that the dates were switched around so that people could celebrate Christ at a different time of year. That information makes me weary to trust everything.

I guess the bottom line is that I believe in God, not religion. I believe in praying, and doing good, and giving to others. I don't believe in the structure of having to do certain things the church says. Everyone I talk to about their beliefs all have their own views about what they read or believe. The most important thing about faith is having any at all. That is one thing all religions have in common. We all believe in something. As long as you know there is someone above that's got your back, you're living a good life with meaning.

On another note:
I'm going to do 100 crunches and call it a night.

my weakness.

My number one weakness is: ENERGY DRINKS. I'm always looking for a boost. I hate feeling down and useless. My favorite one is the white ROCKSTAR. It's supposed to have no sugar. I call it the "healthier" version. I spend so much money on these things, it's ridiculous. It's like the drink of Goodwill. We all buy them for each other and drink them like they're goin outta style. I convince myself it's ok, but it's so not. I know if I could cut them out, more weight would fall off. But if I drink one, my stomach is satisfied and I don't pig out. Therefore, I am healthier. Right?

Right.

Small workout.

I still take these everyday.
I can actually tell that my
metabolism is speeding up.
I have more energy after I eat,
instead of feeling lazy and tired.
It also helps to eat a salad instead
of a fatass burger. ;)

I really want to do yoga. However, watching videos and trying to mimick the movements on a smart phone is quite difficult. I decided to just do a light workout tonight.

I stretched and loosened up my muscles. And since I'm most concerned with my upper body, that's what I focused on. I lifted my pink, 2lb dumbbell over my head with my right arm and stretched it over to the left side, bending/crunching to the left. In order for my abs to feel the effects, I controlled my breathing: in as I pulled the weight down to the right, and out as I crunched to the opposite side. Keeping my stomach muscles tightened is what made the workout worth doing. (Switch sides and repeat.) The thing I do differently than most people is I don't count. I know that when I count reps or sets, I'll eventually just be going through the motions, counting down and hoping to get it over with. If I just go until I feel a burn, then go a little more, I won't get tired of trying to meet a goal each time. I pretty much just do what I want.

I finished off the night with some easy crunches. I think women are supposed to have thick figures. I can love my thighs and booty as long as my stomach is flat and my arms don't flap.

That was today's workout. I work a late shift tomorrow so we'll see how that goes.

Also, I think I should update with a new picture every week. That should help me see any progress I'm making. :)

Making small changes.

Any workout is better than no workout. The point is to get your body moving. As someone who recently admitted to having anxiety/ depression, I can definitely say that getting up and doing something can heal your entire body. On my days off, I spend every hour laying around. Just laying. Not being productive in any way. When I start to write on my blogs I can only come up with negative things to say. I feel stuck in my body, which makes me feel stuck in my life. Life isn't hard. Shit happens, ya know? On the days that I decide to organize, clean, stretch, I feel like my life is easy. I know exercise releases endorphines and that may be the whole solution to my problem. I think the reason people, including myself, fail is because we think of working out in the wrong way. We put too much pressure on ourselves to break a sweat and leave the gym feeling shaky from such a vigorous workout. That's a fantastic feeling, one I am familiar with, by the way. But it doesn't have to be the only way. The thing about working out is if you start strong, your body has nothing to look foward to. Every workout video or session I've ever done has taught me that you have to increase obstacles and milestones in order to advance in your weight loss, strength training, etc. Let me stop now before I ramble too much. I'm no expert. I think the point is: you're not supposed to overdo it at first. What happens when you reach the point where your body isn't changing any more? You've built an immunity to your workout. You don't want that to happen.

yoga and 20min workouts

So I've hit a plateau. I lost 30lbs by cutting out alcohol and soda. Now it's time to be more active.
First step: surrounding myself with fitness and inspiration. I cut all the exercise pages out of my Cosmos and stuck them on my wall. I also downloaded a yoga app. I did some research about yoga and came to find that it not only firms and tones your body, but is good for your mental health.
Multiple webpages and blogs say that yoga is great for releasing stress, anxiety, and depression.
Starting tomorrow I'll do the beginners course of breathing techniques. We'll see where it goes from there.

You never realize how fat
you are until you see it in a picture.
For some reason, in my head, I am way skinnier. And more attractive.

I'm tired of the world and its games.

Someone tell me when it gets easier. Blah blah blah life is just hard. I know that. But why does it have to be 95% hard and just a little enjoyable? Why is everyone content with the fact that life sucks so much ass? One thing after one thing after another. Whether I pray or don't pray... the outcome is the same. I don't want to learn any more lessons. I don't want to become a stronger person. I want like a whole week where everything goes my way. Is that too damn much to ask? The way I feel lately is the reason people turn to drugs and alcohol. Because doing what's right doesn't seem to get you any farther ahead in the game. I surrender, world. Whatever game the universe is playing with my life: you win.

I didn't realize...

I didn't realize how good my relationship is. I think I just get in my own head and convince myself that I'm not as happy as I could be. The fact is, I'm with someone great. We enjoy each other's company over anyone else in the world. He's cute, caring, and patient with me. I posted last night about my anxiety taking over me. I just randomly started crying last night and he was the most comforting and loving sweetheart ever. We're going to the movies tonight. We never really have time to go anywhere because we both work all the time. I'm very blessed to be with someone who comes home to me every night, who makes sure I'm taken care of, and who wants a partner in life, not just a sex partner. I'm more in love than I thought I was. I'm just crazy.

I started thinking about us on the way to work this morning and just smiled. When I stop digging for negativity and think about all the things he does that I love, it reminds me that I'm really lucky. Or blessed. I really think I am crazy and my brain needs a reason to be upset.

I suffer from Anxiety and minor depression.

I've never been diagnosed but I know, without a doubt, that I have it. My mom suffers from panic attacks. It runs on her side of the family. I freak out when I have to do things that could cause me any kind of stress. My heart drops and pounds hard and fast. My stomach has butterflies and I get nervous pains in my hands. That part is hard to explain. It's just like a nervous sensation throughout my body. Eventually I find my way out of hanging out with friends because it seems too frustrating to try and get myself in the car. I know the cause of my stress is surrounded by my fears. I'm scared I'll be seen by the Bitch of a property manager, who I quit working for because she caused my anxiety to sky rocket. If she sees me, we'll get a note on the door and get kicked out. Everyday I walk down the stairs, looking left to right continuously, praying she's not walking the property while I'm heading for my car. Every day after work I try not to come home at times when she might be out of the office. I always get a nervous, stressed feeling walking up the stairs with groceries. When I finally make it to the top, my hands are shaking uncontrollably fast, fumbling for the house key, and I make it inside. I always look around to make sure no one left a note from the office, kicking us out. Driving doesn't stress me out as bad as that whole scenario, but it's still bad. Just the thought of getting my car towed because I don't have the money to fix the tags stresses me out. I'm nervous practically the whole time I'm driving. If I'm stessed bad enough, I will empty every cabinet and drawer in the apartment and re-organize every item. It makes me feel more put together. Sometimes I get so filled with worry and sadness that I just cry because I feel sorry for myself for being so crazy.
I need meds but I have no health insurance. My thoughts drive me insane. I went years without seeing a gynecologist because I convinced myself I already had cancer and was infertile. I finally went last week and I'm fine, by the way.
My brain never shuts off. Once I get a worry in my head, it consumes me to the point where I just put everything off and procrastinate everything. I get so depressed that I sleep until the last minute of the afternoon and get ready for work in slow motion.
Working out will help. Fixing my credit will help. Meds will probably help most.

I'm thinking about joining a gym.

I hear planet fitness is really cheap and I like the commercials. Also, you get free tanning.

24hr fitness costs an arm and a leg to start up....

I don't know too much else about other gyms.

On the other hand, I have so much I need to pay off. Fuck it. It took me a few months to lose that 30lbs. Imagine if I had been working out...
Life would just be simpler if I was in shape.

I have $3,000 in debt, a car with expired tags, and at least 50 extra pounds. (Lots more, but I'd be happy to lose 50.)

This time last year I was a size 22. I recently bought a pair of jeans that are size 18. If I can get all the way out of 20s I'll be thrilled. But my goal is to be a size 16 again.
I like to have meat. I think it's sexy. There's nothing wrong with being a size 3, but I personally find thicker women more attractive. I'm from Texas. We love meat and potatoes. That'll never change. But there's no excuse for your fat to hang over your jeans.

I'll sign up for the gym on Friday. :)

This week has been stressful.

I told y'all I bring stress on myself. I KNOW my apartment is small but I still leave my shit everywhere and don't take the time to potty train the dog. I KNOW my car is a POS but I don't take the time to get it fixed. I KNOW we need to move and the only way I can do that is to fix my credit but I'm trying my best and I can't do it over night.

I've recently decided to transfer to a smaller store. I already do an amazing job over here and know that I'll do great over there. I'm really excited. I think it's a sign that I've been wanting to go to that store for months and the position is STILL open. It's like it's waiting on me to come snatch it up. I know how corporate wants stores to look, and I'm specifically going over there to help make the store better.

My boss agrees. I'm relieved because I thought he'd be upset and feel like I was bailing on the store. But he knows I need to fly. I'm a peacock. HAHA!

I have one month until we need to move so that I can have a place to take my dog. My dog is Pig. She's a 45lb lab, who sheds alot and is too big for our tiny studio apartment. My dad has her right now, in Whetherford. It sucks a lot of ass. I miss her so much. We've been though Hell and back together. And I'm terrified that if I can't find a place in time, my dad and my step mom will give her away and I'll never see her again. She's had a hard life. Mostly because my ex and I couldn't keep our shit straight long enough to give her stability. She's lived with different people in so many different places. I feel like maybe she would be better off with a new family. But she's mine and no one can love her like I can.

I'm trying my best. Hopefully I get this Honda this week, get rid of my POS and give it back to Babe's brother, and finally drive a car that won't get hot after more than 20 miles.

We'll see.
Also, I still haven't heard from the doctor, who's only supposed to call if something's wrong with me. So I'm praying my phone doesn't ring.

My decision.

I'm scared to tell my boss but I've decided to transfer to the other store. It's more than half the size of my store, which means there are less members of management. Now that he's hired this new person, for whatever reason, it just seems like I've been demoted. I was upfront with her, though and let her know I cursed her name before she got there. I would just like to have more say. My opinion mattered when we didn't have an assistant. Now I'm less important. I forget that I want to move up and start to accept the fact that I'm just a key holder, then they go and get my hopes up. "Get your resume ready. "Get prepared to move to a smaller store." And then BAM they hire someone else and we're forgotten again. I say "we" because my best guy friend is also a key holder. He'll never admit how awesome I am, but we both know I brighten his day.
Anyway...

Transferring Stores.

Altogether I've been with this company for a year and a half. I keep getting told by multiple people that I'm on my way to a promotion, yet I've been passed up twice in the past few months. I'm ready enough to co-manage the store with the other key holder but not ready enough to get promoted.
On one hand, I'm insulted. I do so much, come up with great ideas for making the store run better, yet no one appreciates me anymore. There are so many members of management at my store now, it's making me feel suffocated.
The down side to transferring stores will be that it looks like I'm taking a step down from the largest, number one store. But on the other hand, I'm not going to feel the same about my store when I'm constantly hearing that the way I have been doing things is weird or wrong. If I'm stuck in this position, fine. But I'd rather not feel like there are so many people above me. I feel like I'm losing my importance. Everyone used to come to me. Now there's someone above me. It's not really a jealous feeling either. I could admit that. It's like a territorial feeling. This is my store and you're taking it.
I'll sleep on it for a few days and pray about it. But I'm leaning toward transferring.

The ultimate goal

It's not that I want to weigh less, it's not that I want to have the endurance of a pro athelete, or anything else. I just want to look better in clothes. I want to be able to sit down and not have a tire around my body. I want to be able to throw any outfit on and feel confident. It's annoying, having to pull down your shirt 2,000 times a day. I want to be able to take a picture and not have to crop out my arms. I want to have glowing and healthy skin. I want to be able to carry my groceries up to the third floor without getting winded. Speaking of energy, I want to be able to stay motivated all day long, and not feel like I'm lazy or tired by 2pm. I want to go swimming and look decent. I'm 22, have no kids, and have disgusting stretch marks.
Everyone is their own worst critic, I know that. But honestly admitting the things you'd like to change about yourself is the first step to changing. I have this image of myself in a size L. Not XL or 2X. I'm fine having a little fat. I just don't want to be self conscious anymore.

That first 30 pounds was a good start. Last year I was a size 22, going higher. Now I'm in a 20, sometimes an 18, depending on brands. If I could get back to a 16 with a flat stomach, I'll be satisfied.

Some asshole brought candy to work.

Look at the disgusting-ness. I am a pig.

I'm disappointed in myself. But that's why diets fail. You put yourself on this strict plan and then once you break a small rule, like having a piece of candy, you feel like the whole day is wasted and you might as well fuck the rest of it off. It's ridiculous how much ate in that breakroom today.
On top of that, I drank soda when I got home. What a dumbass, bloated loser I am! I can hear my chins jiggling as I breathe.
On the plus-side, it was hot and humid inside the store today and I sweated my balls all the way off. I probably just broke even.
Next payday I'm buying a scale. But tomorrow I'm not going to put so much pressure on myself. I'm just going to eat my veggies and drink my water. I'm going to give away the evil chocolate croissants and candy.
Today was a horrible failure. But I learned that I have no will power.