Unorganized thoughts.

So the thing about my brain that  hate, is that if something isn't wrong, I will create something that's wrong. It's like I constantly have to worry about things. My boyfriend is complicated. When I'm the one wanting affection and love, he pulls away. When I act cold, he's the one wondering what's wrong. Sometimes I like it this way because I know how the struggle of power works and I can flip it any way I want. BUT most of the time I hate it. Because I'm usually the needy one. I usually create an issue in my mind because he can go longer without affection than I can. Anyway,  the whole problem is that he's my everything. Before I met him I basically was just this unhappy and unhealthy person. And it's not that he's a saint.. it's just that now I realize what's important in my life. I don't want to be out getting drunk and doing things that would hurt or embarrass him. Its not fun anymore to waste money and act slutty. Its more than I ever dreamed of, to be laying in our bed at night, laughing and watching TV. So I've decided I'm leaving my party days in the past. I love him so much for who he is and I would die if I ever hurt him or lost him. Ok so maybe he doesn't always need to hear that he's my everything. Maybe I need to grow a thicker skin. I know how I feel, but constantly speaking your mind isn't always a good thing.

A few things my body has taught me about Yoga

Yoga is a workout designed for your body. You use your own motions and breathing to work your body out. The thing I love the most about it is you learn how to use resistance with no machine and without running out of breath. You are training your body to stretch in new positions, becoming stronger and more flexible each time. The first day that I started yoga it was a little challenging. It was hard to balance and maintain each stance. But doing it everyday has helped my body to improve in many ways. I feel like I'm getting a full range in motion and not just trying to keep up with the DVD. Like I said in my last post I'm noticing that my arms and stomach muscles are flatter and more toned. When I go to work I don't feel like I'm always pushing through the day. At the very very least Yoga helps to wake up my muscles and stretch my neck and shoulders for the day. I know that any workout is good to relieve stress but there's something about doing a calm workout, like yoga, that doesn't leave you feeling sweaty and sore. Not to say that I don't love those workouts as well, but sometimes its nice to wake your joints up without running a 5K before work. Also, something I haven't researched yet, Yoga seems to help relieve cramps. :)

Stressed out before my workout. Obviously.

I don't have much to update about today - just that I started taking B6 along with B12 because B6 is supposed to help with your nervous system. And like I said before I know I have some type of panic attack disorder. I freak out and stress myself out about little things. :/

I haven't been drinking any soda! I drink gallons of water all day everyday and I feel amazing. I have also been keeping up with my workout and I try to do either yoga or pilates everyday. I'm noticing a difference in my body already. Of course I'm not going to see dramatic changes right away but I am seeing more toned muscles. On the days that I do yoga before I go to work, I have more energy throughout the day and can stay focused on my tasks.

I'm a little stressed out. Mostly about money. But what can you do except take things one day at a time and pray?

In all honesty the only thing that matters to me is him. I don't like putting myself out there to seem desperate or hopelessly in love but the truth is that I am. He makes me laugh every day and he fills my heart with so much warmth and a feeling of belonging that I never want to lose. I have bad dreams that he's going to move on and find somebody else and I wake up brokenhearted, feeling like I've been destroyed. Could that happen to me? God I hope not. He's my everything. I guess I need to work out.

Everyone is a jerk.

Guess how much crappy food I ate today. I have no idea what's gotten into everybody that makes them want to just give me food all day, for free. I took an apple, banana, and an orange to work today. I walk in the break area and see 2 boxes of what could only be delicious donuts. I try to clock in without looking directly at the boxes, but then April speaks up. "Come on, Kaylee. They're glazed." Dammit. Then lunch time rolls around and someone else offers me a slice of meat-lovers. Then APRIL enables me even further by ordering Chinese food. I just couldn't pass up free beef and broccoli. Yum.... egg rolls. Dammit. THEN APRIL (I'm starting to notice a pattern) buys me a Rockstar. You can't just return an energy drink. I had no choice. I tell myself I'm going to skip dinner to punish myself, but then I get home and Cody gives me chicken strips. :'( :'(

What the hell, people?
I should be stronger but I'm blaming all of you!!!

I'm about to do infinity crunches.

Meditation.

So I kept my promise and did some yoga today. Bur before I even start my Pilates, I just had to post this realization that I had while I was meditating. The DVD told me to relax and listen to myself breathe for 2 to 5 minutes I use that time to pray. I have complete faith that God will give me everything I need because He's always done so when I truly let him into my life. The thing is though, I forget to be grateful for what I do have. I was asking God to show me what house He wanted us to have which is partly the correct way to ask. However the way I worded it was to start off by saying that I'm miserable in our apartment now. What I realized is that if I want God to bless me and show me things I need to accept what I already have been given. I can't just speak ill of my blessings now when I could be so much worse off. It may not seem like it is but it is a form of being ungrateful when I don't thank God for giving me this small apartment. One day in the future I will look back on this apartment and feel like I've overcome obstacles and tribulations. If I can't look at my life now as a blessing, in the future I will never appreciate what I currently have, or what I came from. It is a difficult thing to do to give your entire life up to God but He's in control. What He wants to happen will happen whether you like it or not so you might as well just give him control now. One of my posts from last month was about how I was trying to do everything on my own without trusting in God. When I finally told God, out loud on 28th Street, like a crazy person, "Please show me the way, show me what you want me to do. You know I need a car. Which one do you want me to have?" You have to go back and read the post titled Brad Paisley in order to get the full story, but I knew God was talking to me that day. So from now until next week or next month or even next year I'm going to appreciate this apartment. God put me here with someone who loves me and helps me when I need it. He gave me a home and I need to recognize it before I take it for granted. When the time is right and when He feels we're ready to have a house, He'll push us in that direction and it will be such a flawless move that I'll know its Him.

I'm using my boyfriends phone until further notice.

So what happened was my puppy chewed up all 4 of our phone chargers. I thought that I would try to be crafty and tape a charger back together which ended up frying my phone. I can't type worth anything on this phone so I'm using that little text to type app in order to post this blog today. I still don't have a phone charger so since today is my day off I guess I just won't be using this phone unless it's an emergency. When I think about how upset I am it makes me realize how dependent I am on technology. I know that if I didn't have a smartphone and Facebook I would get so much more work done. I'd probably work out more,I'd probably have a clean house. I probably wouldn't be frustrated all the time. I think this could be a good experience for me, having to do without a phone. It was kind of nice yesterday to do a full hour and a half of yoga without any interruptions. However, I kept having this urge to check and see what other people had been posting all day. And you know, the truth is that I honestly don't care what most of these people have to say most of the time, its just the act of scrolling through the page that I'm addicted to. In fact, I hate Facebook. I hate the fact that people post stupid whiny crap and my feed is bombarded with cliche quotes and pictures that I've seen multiple times. The only thing I really like about it is keeping in touch with my old friends and family. It's just so cluttered. Come to think of it, I'm really not upset that I can't be on my phone all day today this will be good for me. While we're on the topic of media and technology I tried to get a Pintrest the other day. It was just about as overwhelmingly confusing as Twitter so I deleted it after about half an hour.

As far as workouts go, I'm really enjoying these DVDs. My entire body is sore from the full 2hr Pilates workout I did the other day. And I think alternating Yoga and Pilates every other day should help my body to heal from the day before and I'll be able to relax in between extreme workouts. Today's my day off so I'm probably going to take a nap and then wake up and do some Pilates, stay off my phone and get this house clean. Also I met someone who might be able to help Cody and I find house so I'm praying hard about that.

Day one thoughts about Yoga and Pilates.

Last night I made myself go to sleep an hour earlier so that I could wake up earlier. I watched the Yoga DVD and did 2 out of 4 of the workouts. I gotta admit: I have no balancing skills. I'm gonna stick with it though because it was a great warm-up, and the relaxation portions really worked. I stopped halfway through because I feel like the Yoga was helping more with calming, balancing, and stretching my body, which is great. But I really wanted and needed a more intense workout. Granted, I did pick "Gentle Yoga", I still wanted more of a workout.

Pilates are no joke! My arms are killing me, which feels good because I'm focusing more on my upper body. I'm not gonna plan to do this every day, because when I put too much pressure on myself, I always let myself down. So I'm gonna try and do it every other day. Today, because I tried both DVDs, I ended up working out for almost 2 hours. I don't want to hit a plateau too soon though. It feels good to have a small energy boost.

Note to self: Buy a smoothie maker. I tried to make green tea this morning... tasted like metal ass.

One Year Anniversary <3

On this day, one year ago, my entire life was flipped right-side-up. I was in the middle of leaving behind a tumultuous relationship and diving head first into something new. It was a rocky road, this first year, but I'm too excited to be where we are today. One thing I've learned about relationships is that common interests are important. I always told myself I was stupid for hating almost everything about my ex, except that we both loved to get drunk and high very frequently. I thought there was something wrong with me and just accepted the things that drove me crazy because I thought it was love. We were convenient for each other. We stayed together for so long because we were all each other had. But he was always yelling at me, and I was always unhappy. Now that I've sobered up and grown over the last year, I've realized so much about us. We were never meant to make it. We're too different. And I hope that wherever he is now, he's taking care of himself and looking for someone who has more in common with him when he's sober, and will treat him right.

Cody is amazing. He makes me laugh every single day. I get to be myself and laugh at silly things. I get home from work and drinking alcohol is not the first thing on my mind. In fact, I very rarely drink. My favorite thing about him are his eyes. They're dark brown and deep. I can't begin to explain how excited he makes me. Literally every single day I feel blessed just to have dinner with him, watch tv, and go to sleep. I could go into detail about all our little quirks and the things that melt my heart, but then they wouldn't be special anymore. All I know is I'm happy just being here. We argue and bicker at each other but we both mean well. We're really always on the same page. There are tons more things that we have to fix about ourselves, but just this past year, we have both climbed some large mountains. And I know we couldn't have done it without each other.

As far as working out goes, I think our pillow fight before bedtime should suffice as a good arm exercise.

Every time I eat healthy....

I stay hungry. Today I woke up and ate a banana, an orange, and cottage cheese with chopped peaches. I was full and satisfied... somewhat. So I ate another banana. I got to work and ate my 6pc Tyson nuggets, an apple, and another banana. That wasn't enough. I had a small bag of kettle cooked chips... not enough. What is wrong with me? I guess snacking on fruits and veggies all day is better than fatass foods, but still. I want to be full and bursting with energy. So I went to Subway. I put away an ENTIRE foot-long!!! Mmmmm... grilled chicken covered in olives and peppers! I've just been dragging ass all day and I honestly don't want to believe it's my healthy food! I know it's lack of exercise. A banana is better than a burrito, but if you sit back down and do nada all day, might as well have eaten the crap.

On another note:
My job is easy. I'm really glad I transferred stores. I will always miss the people I became friends with, but I've already learned so much more than I would have if I had stayed. It's also nice to be at a store where all eyes are NOT on you. Just a regular store....  taken it easy, but still kicking ass. I still wish there was a way to convince people that it takes less than 20 minutes to clean up, and the clothes on the floor are nothing to squawk about. But who am I to decide what's squawk-worthy. I do my fair share of panicking. Which reminds me: I'm gonna try yoga tonight while Babe is at his car meet/race thing. Oh also, we're looking for a house. ;)

Inspired by Super Size Me!

I stopped by the library yesterday and picked up some Yoga and Pilates books with dvds. I'm so excited to finally learn yoga, not only for the workout, but for the de-stressing effect. I also rented Super Size Me. If you haven't seen this movie, for whatever reason, I highly recommend it. I'm not gonna start bashing McDonald's because I love McChickens as much as the next person. But the information the doctors and nutritionist shared did make me think. I mean, yea, realistically you're not eating fast food 3 times a day. But the fact that replacing all other meals with fast food have that kind of effect on your body, should make you realize how unhealthy that junk really is. When a person eats Subway 3 times a day, they become healthier. I'm not sure how long I'll stand firm with my feelings about fast food, but I'm completely turned off by all of it now.

I went to the grocery store after the movie and bought healthier alternatives: apple's, bananas, etc. This journey I'm on with my health and getting in shape is so much more important to me than a good burger.

Nothing makes me happier than good smells.

I am always tired. I try and stay pumped up, but always end up dragging ass after I've been awake for 2 hours. I love the rush I get after a Rockstar. I feel motivated enough to run a 5K and still have enough in me to cook dinner and clean the house. But I feel guilty after I come down, like most drugs make you feel.

New plan: I'm gonna buy a blender and start having energizing smoothies throughout the day. Bananas are a great source of energy, and you just can't go wrong when you go natural. Also, when you think you're hungry, there's a small chance that you're just dehydrated. I'm just gonna repeat this throughout my day: "Water and smoothies, water and smoothies. Don't you dare touch that Dr.Pepper, Fattie."

Today I made $20 fulfill all my basic needs. I'm a simple girl and don't need much, so its quite easy for me to use change sparingly. First stop: The gas station. I'd rather run out of clean underwear than gas. Plus, it's really not good for your car; any dummy knows that. Got a smoothie, (which may or may not be made with real fruit, but what I don't know won't kill me), and got $5.00 worth of gas. Next, I poured ALL OUR CLOTHES in one giant washer and used triple the amount of recommended detergent. I headed to the dollar store and grabbed $1.00 deodorant, lotion, and tooth paste, (all of which we can't survive through the week without). I washed my car at warp speed, and then threw the clothes in the dryer. To top off my productive couple of hours, I got myself a little scented tree for my car. Nothing makes me happier than good smells.

mysterious-ness.

I wish I could be more mysterious. every time I meet someone new I end up telling them my whole story. The reason is because if I don't, they assume false facts. I recently transferred to a new store. I was already in my current position for the past 9 months, and could not stand the fact that people might think I'm new and don't know what I'm doing. Why can't I just work hard and let them assume what they want? Why do I care about what people think? They don't sign my paychecks.

When I tell someone about my current relationship, I feel like they assume this is the longest relationship I've been in, so I feel the need to tell people about my previous, five year relationship. I have to spill my every secret and experience. I have to tell them about my party days, the 30 pounds I lost, my ex going to prison, my family problems, my job history, my charter school education, my zodiac, and holy crap, so much more.

Why can't I just say "Hello" and let them wonder? Maybe I think I'm cool. Maybe I'm just an extremely open person. No, that's not it. I definitely just care too much about the opinions of EVERYONE. Like it matters.... I'm gonna work on creating some form of mystery about myself. Just like in a relationship where you make the other person chase you, I am going to play hard to get... with strangers. ;)

Unhealthy Update.... I'm only human.

I've been unhealthy lately. I'm just broke. I've got all my bills caught up, but have very little left over to buy groceries. Therefore, I'm eating like crap. I'm not snacking, I'm just eating more fast food. BUT I have completely knocked out energy drinks. Now my body's like "What the hell, dude?!" And I'm extra tired and thrown off lately. I'm just waiting for things to even out again. Also, I ran out of ginseng. Nooooo....
But it'll be ok. I think I'm just gonna have to add some extra workouts to my daily routine - which currently consists of no workouts. I know, I was doing so good! This is the exact reason why I don't diet. When you try and force yourself to be repetitive and strict, your brain just itches to break the plan. And then, for some reason, once you mess up you feel like the whole day or week is screwed, so you might as well start over on Monday.

Our one year anniversary is coming up. I can't believe how much we've both grown in a year! I think I need to be nicer to him. I feel like I always expect so much and, I'm so used to getting disappointed and hurt, that I'm ready to throw in the towel when he does the tiniest thing wrong. But just because he's not perfect doesn't mean he's not perfect for me. I can't have everything. I am blessed though. Since I've turned my life around and started giving things to God again, things seem to just fall into place. That's how I know something is "meant to be". I prayed for happiness. That's all I really need. I push so hard for everything to be perfect all the time, or else my head might explode. But when I let Him take over and take the pressure off of myself, I can just relax and enjoy the show.

Plasma.

Tried to donate plasma today. Same thing happened that happened 3 years ago. My veins are too small. What does that even.....why? Ugh. I guess I'm not meant to have money today. I never understand God's plans but if something doesn't work out, it always works out. "Do u know what I'm sayin'? So shit, man. Fuck it." -The 40 Year Old Virgin

Anyway. I'm not gonna cry about it. I needed to get out of the house. And besides.. I'm thankful for all the struggles I went through. It sounds cheesy when people say it makes you stronger, but it really does. I had nothing, not just at one point, but many times. No job, no car, not really a place to call home. I know how to make a dollar last. I know how to survive on noodles and tuna. I don't need a lot. Its nice to have things, if you can afford them, but I'm not gonna freak out when it's two days before payday and all there is in the fridge is celery (from a previous post). I know what it's like to have nothing, so I don't worry about anything anymore.

I used to be jealous of people who could always lean on Mommy and Daddy when times got hard. But now I almost feel bad for them. What would a spoiled kid do if they lost their home or car? What would they do if they had to make $20 last a week? I'll tell you what I'd do: Take my ass to McDonald's and get a couple McChickens. Then chug a gallon of water to fill up. People need to learn how to live with the basics. ;)

Laundromat.

That's where I'm blogging from. The laundromat. If I must say, I have had a very productive week. I started at my new store yesterday. Someone already pissed me off. Stupid person. I'm used to people knowing that what I say goes. Don't try and tell me I'm doing it wrong. I just get so set off by people who think they know too much. Maybe I think I'm more important than I am? Whatever. I'm the shit. Today I made a new floormap of the store and had everyone moving things over. The same girl kept rollin her eyes at me and talking shit about how it's all wrong. Excuse you? You're wrong. I used to be shy and not able to stand up for myself but I let it be known today that I wasn't deaf. Or stupid. I talked to the assistant manager, who I've known for years. She made me feel a lot better. I'm not worried. I just don't want her saying anything about me when I'm not there. But...if you're pissing people off then you're doing something right.

In other news:
I'm officially driving a car, that's leased in my name, with up-to-date tags, AND insurance. I had to cash in all our coins to pay the insurance, but man does it feel damn good!

As far as my diet goes:
I've been too broke to eat. But don't feel bad for me. If I'm broke then I can't afford energy drinks. I seem to have replaced my soda addiction with Rockstars. Terrible. But I'll be fine. I've noticed I can't seem to go to sleep at night, so I've decided to quit cold turkey. Tomorrow I'm going to donate plasma with my "breast friend". That is, if they can find my vein, which they couldn't do before. But I desperately need the money.

So that's my update. Just doin grownup stuff. I'm gonna workout tomorrow and clean my stupid, tiny apartment.

Recent accomplishments and new goals

Over this past year I have:
-Quit drinking. Not, like cold turkey, I'm still human. But nowhere even close to how I used to drink. I'm talking vodka for breakfast. Now I probably have a beer maybe once a month. This is probably the biggest reason I've lost 30 lbs.
-Finally leased a car in my own name again. First time leasing, billionth time having a car.
-Fixed my bank account credit enough to actually have an account again.
-Finally went to the doctor and got a checkup, which reassured me that I'm completely fine, and also a hypochondriac.
-Stayed at a job for more than 6 months, making more than I've ever made for this amount of time.
-Witnessed God's blessings more than once.
-tithing. It feels good to give money here and there. I know it comes back around 10X over. Even without a reward, I still love it.

Things I need to do:
-Make friends and hang out with them outside of work.
-Get a gym membership.
-Pay off ALL my debt.
-Get a house.
-Lose more lbs.
-Grow out my hair.
-Make plans and follow through with them.
-Start yoga.
-Go to church, at least once a month. Or at least listen to worship music more often.

Breathing

So I had a tiny anxiety attack. I think. What happened was just an argument with my boyfriend about money. I have bills I need his help with because of my new car payment and then I found out my bank account was overdrawn by "excessive activity". Ugh. It's my fault for trying to do too much too fast. Trying to throw all my money into savings when I knew I'd be transferring it out in 5 minutes for gas. Stupid.

Anyway. My face got really hot and red, fast. I freaked out because I swear you could have fried bacon on my cheeks, they were so hot. I started to wonder if I was going to spontaneously combust, which made me freak out more.

When I'm mad, when anyone's mad or frustrated, to keep from punching a wall or a person, what is your body's first instinct? To take a deep breath and exhale loudly. You might not even know you do it, but think about it. Unless you're one of those people who just hits things, in which case, I feel ya, bro. :)

So I googled "breathing techniques for anxiety". I'm going to try a few of them out and post about them later. So far, I've found that the fact that I'm concentrating on breathing and counting keeps me distracted from my stress. This might be a very helpful solution. I'm not sure if the calm breathing itself is what's working, but I'm willing to try anything.

In the meantime, my puppy is hiding her face under the blanket because my temper tantrum scared her. I'm a monster. :/