I thought I was pregnant.

I don't wanna be one of those girls who says they're pregnant every month for attention. There have been at least 5 pregnant girls at the store I work at, just in the last year. And I've been having baby fever since I fell in love. But it's not like we're trying or anything. Now is not the time, but really, who is ever truly prepared?

Anyway, my period was a week late. I convinced myself I was creating a little baby inside my tummy and I'm not. I got my own hopes up, knowing that it probably wasn't going to happen. I want to be a mom. I want to love and take care of an adorable, new, precious life. I want to teach and parent. I wanted to make a life, my very own baby. It sounds dumb now that I'm seeing the words all spelled out like this.

I cried this morning, in the bathroom at work. Another girl had a sonogram she was showing everyone. But God knows when the right time is. God knows we have too many bills and our apartment is too small. There is a reason I'm not pregnant, and I'm ok with it.

One day it'll be our turn to tell our families the great news. We'll have doctors visits and sonograms. We'll pick out cribs and strollers. We'll hold her and love her and cry together, tears of happiness. Now is not the time.  :-\ It's just that I was laying in bed last night, holding my stomach, praying that if I was pregnant, that my baby would be healthy and grow so I could meet her one day.

I guess now is just the time to get in shape. Too many days have gone by since I've been to the gym. I've just been working so much to make up for all these crap-ass bills. And my house is a disaster. Yay.

I could scream right now!

My car needs new brakes. I'm in the process of getting them fixed, but uncontrollable circumstances keep knocking me down. I haven't been to the gym in days. I'm feeling blubbery. I feel like a big, blubbery pile of pale fat. On top of that, my boyfriend and I just got in a fight. Not because it was my fault, but because he's stupid. I mean, how can a person be that stupid? I don't want to over think things. I just want to be on the treadmill. I feel better about myself when I'm covered in sweat, my muscles are working double-time, and my heart rate is at 185. It might sound cheesy, but I feel at home at the gym. Nothing else matters except finishing another mile. When I go this long without working out, my anxiety gets the best of me. All I can do is worry and stress. It's 1:34 am. He's asleep next to me. Usually, I look over and smile to myself at how cute he is. He's not cute tonight. Tonight I don't really feel "love". If I had my car I'd be working out right now. When I work out, I picture myself tan, 50 or 60lbs thinner, and toned. I'm in my own imaginary world where I can casually walk around in a bikini, sip on healthy smoothies, and relax by a pool.

I finally got my very own blender. My metabolism is sped up so much now, that 10 minutes after I eat, I'm starving again. Sipping on a fruit smoothie helps curb the urge to order pizza. I also started taking ginseng. It's already made me more productive at work. I reorganized half the store in the past couple of days. So, it's not like I'm being entirely inactive, I just would much rather be huffing and puffing, releasing all my problems out into the gym, and leaving them there.

I'm trying to start a "like" page on Facebook. But everything is harder on a smartphone. Once I get to a computer, I'll have a page up and running in a matter of minutes.

That fight was bad last night. It's all I can think about. Also, I'm scared I'm gaining weight because I'm not working out. I could scream right now!

It's time for some living room Yoga.

I kicked my own ass today!

...and it felt GOOD! Before my workout today, I drank a NOS energy drink. Now, since I became a "Health Nut" I've sworn off of these evil things. But if you had seen the crap I ate the past 2 days, you'd understand why my workout needed an extra kick start today.

First of all, I'd like to announce that Sprite is a gateway soda. True, it is an extremely healthier alternative to Dr. Pepper or any other dark sodas. It's got no caffeine but the bubbles and lemon-ey taste is just right. However, I'm the type of person that can't have just ONE of anything. Oh, your wedding has an open bar? I'm gonna drink until I puke and then drink some more. Oh, you're not gonna finish your fries? What kind of person throws away fries? Give 'em to me! I do everything in excess, which is my main struggle with my weight loss journey. Anyway, before you know it, 
I'm on my 4th Sprite and have had no water. 
My advice is just to stay away from all sodas if you're weak-minded, like me.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I we're craving sweets. I ate a honey bun and a pack of donuts. I slapped myself after I read the calories. What a fatass move! The day before yesterday, I binged on cookies at work because my stomach wouldn't shut the hell up. It shut up alright. I was stuffed with sugar and couldn't sleep that night.

So, today at the gym, I did my usual 3 miles on the treadmill (off and on incline), and still had so much energy left over, I decided to try the arm machine. I'm still not sure what it's called but it's like doing pushups sitting down. I alternated between 10 and 20 lbs weights. And THEN, I wanted to take advantage of all this energy, so I hopped on the elliptical. It might not be the actual elliptical. It's more of a gliding machine, with a stepping motion? I don't know. I guess I should learn my machine's names.

So anyway, here's an updated picture of me this week. Nice and sweaty. I know I'm gonna feel it tomorrow, but the fact that I'm covered in sweat and my stomach is louder than the engine in my car must mean I burned enough calories today. Also, I think those energy drinks aren't as dangerous if you put them to good use. You get health problems when you sit down on your wide ass and let yourself bloat up. 


Thanks for reading, and feel free to comment with tips or advice.

Working out before work

Never again will I power walk 3 miles on incline before work. It's taking everything inside me not to get an energy drink. I don't want my workout to be in vain. But damn I'm tired. I've got pricing, organizing, counting, and lots of standing to do. Also, as of 5 minutes ago, I'm the only manager on duty. I'd like to collapse now, please. It'll all be worth it when my thighs don't jiggle and I only have one chin. My face is actually looking slimmer. I've cut everything out of my diet that has any high fructose corn syrup. So, I'm exhausted, but my options are limited at work. I'm not sure how "healthy" Sobe is, but it didn't say it contained any syrup. It says it has vitamins and antioxidants, so here goes. I had the most amazing sub today. My favorite sub from Subway is the Oven Roasted Chicken with EVERYTHING. The more toppings, the better. If I have to eat healthy, I'm gonna eat good! I refuse to starve myself. Eew.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell y'all:
I'm not sure if I'm a scatter brain, I'm tired, or if I'm having powerful withdrawals from no caffeine, but I'm losing my damn mind. At the gym this morning, I left my phone on the toilet paper holder and took a shower. When I got out it was missing. I freaked. The cleaning lady found it in the trash can. I'm not accusing anyone because it's wrong to judge people you don't know, but I swear I didn't throw it away. Either way, I said a prayer and got it back. Thank God! AND THEN I get to work and after being on the clock for 45 minutes, I lost my keys. Long story short, I set them down in the bottom of a box they had no business being in. I give up on this day. I'm so ready to nap, it's unreal.

5 very easy tips for beginning your weight loss journey:

1. No alcohol. Not worth it. Bad for your insides and your skin. I dropped alcohol and dropped 40lbs, without exercise.
2. No soda. Read the sugar content. All it does is bloat you and dehydrate you. Your body doesn't need it.
3. Drink water constantly. It helps clear up your skin, clean out your system, and staying hydrated also helps you avoid extra snacking. Sometimes your body is thirsty, not hungry.
4. Change what you buy. It's pretty simple. If there are no brownies in your kitchen, you won't snack on brownies. I feel a million times more energetic and active after snacking on bananas and apples, vs fattening foods.
5. Read the back of everything. Once you realize how many calories are actually in everything you're eating, and realize you're way over your recommended daily intake, that alone will help you drop some pounds.

Why am I always hungry?

It's annoying because I'm dead serious about getting in shape. I'm so broke right now though, that even if I did say "screw being sexy" and wanted to get a fatass burger, I couldn't even afford it. I'm surprised I always find a way to drink Muscle Milk and eat Subway. And salads aren't always cheap.

Speaking of salads, I have to tell y'all about each delicious salad I've eaten recently. McDonalds has pretty good Southwest Chicken salads. It's so big and filled with deliciousness, I have to order an extra piece of grilled chicken just to soak up all the flavors. Yummy black beans and corn, tortilla bits, Newman's southwest dressing... Very filling. Tonight I had a Berry and Almond Something or Other from Wendys. It was good. It had strawberries, blueberries, and the most delicious raspberry vinegarette I've ever tasted. I don't think I've ever really had fruit-flavored dressing before but my tongue was happy. But the best salad I've ever had was from Chick-fil-A. It had so many different ingredients and fruits, I was in paradise. I had also ordered a bowl of fruit for a snack which wasn't too pricy and actually tasted fresh! Oh, I also had a chicken salad from Jack in the Crack. I love their sandwiches so much, but the salad was forgettable. Sorry Jack.

I have this image of my future self in my head and whenever I think about ordering a bacon covered fatty McFat meal, I picture it. I'm back in my Freshman year jeans and tank top. I have a flat stomach and no cottage cheese thighs, and my arms are toned and sun-kissed. Must not get out if bed and heat up cheese fries. Must not eat cheese fries. God, I love potatoes though. :( Beauty really is pain.

I'm always hungry.

A very serious post.

I won't feel better until I spill all my thoughts about the subject. When I was in 6th grade, someone pointed out a mole on the side of my face, up towards my hair line. I knew it was there but didn't know it drew so much attention. Over the years people would point it out and I'd just laugh it off and say it was a birth mark. Deep down I feared that it was melanoma. I can't have skin cancer. I just can't. My brain is very good at two things: denial and obsession. In my head, I either do one or the other. I denied the beauty mark and kept carrying on with life. Until a few months ago. I noticed a smaller freckle-type spot under my hair on the other side of my head. I obsessed about it to my mom, who always tells me I'm a hypochondriac. Eventually I blew it off. But now that I'm tanning at the gym, the worries are coming back. What if I do have skin cancer and I'm making it worse by hopping in the tanning bed? What if I stayed in denial for so long that it has advanced? I was googling pictures and some of them look exactly like what's on my face. I'm freaking out so much on the inside that I'm numb on the outside. For the past few weeks I've been feeling on top of the world and so happy about the way my life was going. Why can't I stay in denial? I mean, what am I really gonna do about it? I silently obsessed about, and put off, going to the lady doctor for way too long because I convinced myself I had cervical cancer. That all turned out just fine. I finally went and such a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders... That's when I started to feel confident about my life. What if I don't get lucky again? What if this is my problem? You know how people have ups and downs? Almost everything has been on the upside lately. What if this is the universe's way of balancing my karma? I've completely turned my life around. I'm happy, healthy, honest, faithful, and have a growing relationship with God.

I don't have health insurance. I'd be screwed regardless because money is already pretty tight. Is it bad that I'm more scared of my face being covered with a big black patch than I am of dying? People die. Ya know? The world is a big, bad, scary place, and it's only getting worse. Maybe I'd rather die young than when I'm a mother of two and a gang member shoots me because I'm in the way of his drive-by. I don't want to die though. I want to be a mom. I want to be with Cody and have a family and make memories..... In the far, far future. I don't want to worry like this.

All I can do is pray.

Progress Picture and ice cream.

These pictures are from my first week with my gym membership. If you follow my blog, you can see the same difference I see in my body. I've been. Doing the yoga and pilates, so I was already making a little progress. I love how I feel during a long inclined walk on the treadmill. At the risk of sounding cheesy, it nearly brings me to tears when I think about how far I've already come.

I can't deprive myself of all the world's deliciousness. Baby and I were craving ice cream last night and had to hop in the car and get some. God, I'm so thankful for moments like that. Our relationship is better than ever. I always look forward to laying next to him at night. He makes me laugh so hard, I forget about all my stress and worries. He's truly a blessing and I thank God everyday that I get to be in love like this. I pray it never ends.

Vacation

For some reason my boss gave me all my days off in a row, including my holiday for the 4th of July. So far, I'm on day 3, and I'm loving it. It's not like I don't enjoy my job, I honestly do. It's just very nice to be able to spend so much time at home, doing things I love.

I'm loving my gym. The only bad thing that's happened to me is, I showered today before I tanned, which I think enhanced the tanning bed effects. I'm pretty uncomfortably burned. But by this time tomorrow I should be somewhat sexy. ;)

Every time I get in the tanning bed, I think about the part on Final Destination (I forget which one) where the two sluts burn to death when they get locked in the tanning bed. I freak out a tiny bit and keep one hand on the handle just to be sure it will open for me.

Anywho... I'm loving working out in a real gym. The treadmill is still my favorite. I don't run, I just power walk and then turn the incline up and power uphill for a while. The only thing I'm not loving about this little vacation is that I'm kinda blowing people off.

Now I'm gonna be real honest here. My dad went to prison when I was 16. Since then, our relationship has been broken beyond repair. I try to stand up for him and honestly don't blame him for anything. I'm a strong person today. But my dog lives with him right now. I want her back, but I have no idea how to go about getting a house when we have so many other things to pay right now. Part of me truly feels like he could do me this one favor without asking for anything in return. But he is asking for money. Which I understand. I mean, dog food costs money. Anyway. If he can't be more patient with me, I might lose her. I've had to move her around so many times over the last few years, I just couldn't stand to hurt her or confuse her again. But if I can't have her now and I can't get him to help, I might have to surrender. :/

Just like with all things, I'm gonna pray. Then I'll probably pour my thoughts out in a text. And even though he knows I hate talking on the phone, he'll call me.

....here goes.

A prayer.

Thank you, God.

Thank you for listening to my heart cry out. Thank you for reaching in my life and pulling me out of my sadness. I was so dark and lonely. You found everything I need and poured it into my life. Now, little by little, I'm growing and becoming a better person. You tell me what to do. You show me which move to make. And when I'm sad, you calm my heart. You've saved me so many times before that I know not to worry when things go wrong.

I wish I could show people all you've done for me. I always feel light-hearted and blissful. My life is not perfect, but being able to trust in you relieves my stress.

I have so much fun everyday. I enjoy myself more now than I ever did when I drank or took pills. I have someone who makes me laugh. I have real love and affection for someone. But it's even more than that. I have confidence in myself, which makes it possible to love someone else.

I was so messed up. I was bruised and broken. I wondered if it was my fault things were going wrong. But the very minute I prayed to you, you pulled me out of the darkness and tossed me in this place. This place where my heart is happy and content.
Pour out your blessings on people who can't see you. I used to say I believed. But I prayed for things I wanted, not what you wanted. Reach in people's hearts and show them what you want for them. What you had planned for me was a billion times better than my own plans. Every day I'm seeing new blessings. Other people need to realize this happiness. 

Thank you for everyday. Thank you for all the things I have and all the things I'm able to do. I want this feeling forever. You're amazing.

-Amen

My goal is to be desired.

I signed up for a membership at Planet Fitness. And I have so much to share about today. I feel so proud of myself because usually, I have to have a friend go with me or I'll be too embarrassed to try anything new. It was like the first day of school. I kept thinking I was gonna have to choose which group of people to eat lunch with, but I gotta say.. This gym is everything I need. I walked in and went straight to the treadmill. The only other gym I've ever been a member of was Curves. I liked the sisterhood of the empowering women. Which was great.  But I love my new gym. Like I've said before, I'm in such a peaceful and "ready" place in my life right now. I've overcome so many obstacles just in the last year, I know now is the time I'll stick to my plans.

I stayed on the treadmill for an hour. That was my comfort zone. I'm not good at leaving my comfort zone. But I am proud of myself for being solo. Im trying to get in my own head and realize how beautiful I am. I like spending the day with myself. I've never really had this much alone time. The more I focus on getting in shape, the better my relationship gets. When I drown him with attention, I forget about myself and neither of us is happy. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel desired. I want to walk across the house in my panties and catch him staring at how hot my body is. The good news is that he fell in love with me when I was fat. But when you don't love yourself enough to put in any effort, why should anyone else love you?

I just feel so good right now. I feel strong and motivated. I've been laughing and smiling. I feel blessed. The pessimist in me believes something bad is about to happen. But if I pray and I take care of my responsibilities, why don't I deserve to be this ecstatic?

Side Effects

First off, I have to say how much better I feel now. I can play games, but when it's time to get down to the core problem, I always have to speak my mind. Otherwise, what's the point? Say what you want and if the person you love isn't willing to listen, move on. Hopefully we stay this way because I literally could die right now, I'm so happy. I'm very dramatic.

Now, B6. Oh Brother. B6 is good for many things: metabolism, PMS, nervous system, seratonin levels, etc. BUT, and the reason this is so important is because I take my every thought and dream seriously.... B6 gives me bad dreams. I've been taking it for almost a month now so it's had plenty of time to reach my system. I have such vivid dreams that I wake up feeling pissed off at my boyfriend for something he didn't do. My anxiety is so bad and I'm such an emotional mess of a person, that this throws off my whole day. Now I don't want to stop taking the vitamin because of all the great benefits. So I just had to change my way of thinking. This reminds me of melatonin. SIGH. A side effect of melatonin is vivid dreaming. Which can sometimes be scary. But there's no sleep better than sleeping on a 3mg melatonin pill. Well, except for a shot of Niquil. Now that's good sleep. Anyway...

I have to love myself. I used to hate when people said that because it sounds so cheesy and pointless. But it has solved all my problems. The way I see it is I am deeply in lust and love with my sweetheart because of the way he is, in every aspect. And the fact that he seems to not care how he turns me on, turns me on even more. To get to the point.. you have to be someone worth falling in love with. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't work out, who doesn't put effort into themselves, someone who only thinks and cares about you? Hell no. You want someone who is confident, healthy, and happy. I'm going to be that person. I feel better this way; working out everyday and putting effort into myself inside and out. I feel blessed to be this happy! :)

It looks good!

I'm noticing a way flatter stomach and slimmer arms and legs. I'm not exactly where I want to be yet, but I'm a little less embarrassed to take off my shirt in front of my boyfriend. And here's the truth: I don't starve myself and I don't eat salad all day, everyday. But what I do is make a decision between having leftover cake for breakfast or a banana. I always choose the banana. And I honestly feel better! It's not like I never enjoy fast food either. It's just that I always get grilled chicken sandwiches or a large salad instead of deep-fried fat. The thing I'm most strict about is snacking and sodas. Of course every once in a while I'll take a sip of my boyfriend's Dr. Pepper, but I never get my own. 99% of everything I drink is water. And not just when I'm thirsty; I'm obsessed with water. I like cleansing the toxins from my body. My skin looks better and I pee a lot. Soda is just not good. Ever since I watched Super Size Me, and I saw how much sugar is in a 2 liter... no. Just no. It feels good to make lifestyle changes. I've always tried crash diets or excessive workouts and noticed that when you have unrealistic expectations and put too much pressure on yourself, you usually let yourself down. Yea, it's a process and it'll take time, but months from now I'll be glad I made these changes. The fact that my arms are slimmer and my tummy is shrinking is enough to keep me going. :)

When you come home to me

When you're on your way home from work, listening to the radio, do any songs remind you of me?
When people mention your girl do you smile and blush? Or do you shrug your shoulders and change the subject.
When you wake up in the middle of the night and I'm by your side, do you feel like I'm taking up space? Or do you slide closer?
When you catch a glimpse of me getting in the shower, do you turn away or look for more?
When a pretty girl smiles at you, do you think of me?
When you say "I love you too" is it out of habit or is it true?
Do I give you chills when I whisper in your ear?
Do you feel nervous when I hold your hand?
Are you embarrassed that I call you my man?
Do you care about my dreams and goals?
Do you notice when I want you to hold me?

I feel cold at night. It's a sad feeling. It's like I'm reaching and pulling and we're constantly out of touch. Is it me?

What can I do to get your attention? What should I wear? How should I talk? Do I care to much? Or do you not care at all?

I lost my mojo.

I haven't worked out in days. It's starting to take a toll on my mental health. I'm feeling insecure and depressed. All things, big and small are keeping me frantic at night. I'm feeling like I need my boyfriend's attention or I don't feel beautiful. Which then makes me the weaker one in the relationship and now its like I'm needy and emotional.
Why does he get to play games with my head? I can play games too. My mission is to get my mojo back. I'm gonna work out everyday, keep the house clean, and focus on ME. How did I get him in the first place? I acted like I didn't need him. And why should I? Even if he is the only reason my heart melts. Even if his brown eyes make me drool. Who cares? I can be irresistible. And i will be. :)