A very serious post.

I won't feel better until I spill all my thoughts about the subject. When I was in 6th grade, someone pointed out a mole on the side of my face, up towards my hair line. I knew it was there but didn't know it drew so much attention. Over the years people would point it out and I'd just laugh it off and say it was a birth mark. Deep down I feared that it was melanoma. I can't have skin cancer. I just can't. My brain is very good at two things: denial and obsession. In my head, I either do one or the other. I denied the beauty mark and kept carrying on with life. Until a few months ago. I noticed a smaller freckle-type spot under my hair on the other side of my head. I obsessed about it to my mom, who always tells me I'm a hypochondriac. Eventually I blew it off. But now that I'm tanning at the gym, the worries are coming back. What if I do have skin cancer and I'm making it worse by hopping in the tanning bed? What if I stayed in denial for so long that it has advanced? I was googling pictures and some of them look exactly like what's on my face. I'm freaking out so much on the inside that I'm numb on the outside. For the past few weeks I've been feeling on top of the world and so happy about the way my life was going. Why can't I stay in denial? I mean, what am I really gonna do about it? I silently obsessed about, and put off, going to the lady doctor for way too long because I convinced myself I had cervical cancer. That all turned out just fine. I finally went and such a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders... That's when I started to feel confident about my life. What if I don't get lucky again? What if this is my problem? You know how people have ups and downs? Almost everything has been on the upside lately. What if this is the universe's way of balancing my karma? I've completely turned my life around. I'm happy, healthy, honest, faithful, and have a growing relationship with God.

I don't have health insurance. I'd be screwed regardless because money is already pretty tight. Is it bad that I'm more scared of my face being covered with a big black patch than I am of dying? People die. Ya know? The world is a big, bad, scary place, and it's only getting worse. Maybe I'd rather die young than when I'm a mother of two and a gang member shoots me because I'm in the way of his drive-by. I don't want to die though. I want to be a mom. I want to be with Cody and have a family and make memories..... In the far, far future. I don't want to worry like this.

All I can do is pray.