Progress Picture and ice cream.

These pictures are from my first week with my gym membership. If you follow my blog, you can see the same difference I see in my body. I've been. Doing the yoga and pilates, so I was already making a little progress. I love how I feel during a long inclined walk on the treadmill. At the risk of sounding cheesy, it nearly brings me to tears when I think about how far I've already come.

I can't deprive myself of all the world's deliciousness. Baby and I were craving ice cream last night and had to hop in the car and get some. God, I'm so thankful for moments like that. Our relationship is better than ever. I always look forward to laying next to him at night. He makes me laugh so hard, I forget about all my stress and worries. He's truly a blessing and I thank God everyday that I get to be in love like this. I pray it never ends.

Vacation

For some reason my boss gave me all my days off in a row, including my holiday for the 4th of July. So far, I'm on day 3, and I'm loving it. It's not like I don't enjoy my job, I honestly do. It's just very nice to be able to spend so much time at home, doing things I love.

I'm loving my gym. The only bad thing that's happened to me is, I showered today before I tanned, which I think enhanced the tanning bed effects. I'm pretty uncomfortably burned. But by this time tomorrow I should be somewhat sexy. ;)

Every time I get in the tanning bed, I think about the part on Final Destination (I forget which one) where the two sluts burn to death when they get locked in the tanning bed. I freak out a tiny bit and keep one hand on the handle just to be sure it will open for me.

Anywho... I'm loving working out in a real gym. The treadmill is still my favorite. I don't run, I just power walk and then turn the incline up and power uphill for a while. The only thing I'm not loving about this little vacation is that I'm kinda blowing people off.

Now I'm gonna be real honest here. My dad went to prison when I was 16. Since then, our relationship has been broken beyond repair. I try to stand up for him and honestly don't blame him for anything. I'm a strong person today. But my dog lives with him right now. I want her back, but I have no idea how to go about getting a house when we have so many other things to pay right now. Part of me truly feels like he could do me this one favor without asking for anything in return. But he is asking for money. Which I understand. I mean, dog food costs money. Anyway. If he can't be more patient with me, I might lose her. I've had to move her around so many times over the last few years, I just couldn't stand to hurt her or confuse her again. But if I can't have her now and I can't get him to help, I might have to surrender. :/

Just like with all things, I'm gonna pray. Then I'll probably pour my thoughts out in a text. And even though he knows I hate talking on the phone, he'll call me.

....here goes.

A prayer.

Thank you, God.

Thank you for listening to my heart cry out. Thank you for reaching in my life and pulling me out of my sadness. I was so dark and lonely. You found everything I need and poured it into my life. Now, little by little, I'm growing and becoming a better person. You tell me what to do. You show me which move to make. And when I'm sad, you calm my heart. You've saved me so many times before that I know not to worry when things go wrong.

I wish I could show people all you've done for me. I always feel light-hearted and blissful. My life is not perfect, but being able to trust in you relieves my stress.

I have so much fun everyday. I enjoy myself more now than I ever did when I drank or took pills. I have someone who makes me laugh. I have real love and affection for someone. But it's even more than that. I have confidence in myself, which makes it possible to love someone else.

I was so messed up. I was bruised and broken. I wondered if it was my fault things were going wrong. But the very minute I prayed to you, you pulled me out of the darkness and tossed me in this place. This place where my heart is happy and content.
Pour out your blessings on people who can't see you. I used to say I believed. But I prayed for things I wanted, not what you wanted. Reach in people's hearts and show them what you want for them. What you had planned for me was a billion times better than my own plans. Every day I'm seeing new blessings. Other people need to realize this happiness. 

Thank you for everyday. Thank you for all the things I have and all the things I'm able to do. I want this feeling forever. You're amazing.

-Amen

My goal is to be desired.

I signed up for a membership at Planet Fitness. And I have so much to share about today. I feel so proud of myself because usually, I have to have a friend go with me or I'll be too embarrassed to try anything new. It was like the first day of school. I kept thinking I was gonna have to choose which group of people to eat lunch with, but I gotta say.. This gym is everything I need. I walked in and went straight to the treadmill. The only other gym I've ever been a member of was Curves. I liked the sisterhood of the empowering women. Which was great.  But I love my new gym. Like I've said before, I'm in such a peaceful and "ready" place in my life right now. I've overcome so many obstacles just in the last year, I know now is the time I'll stick to my plans.

I stayed on the treadmill for an hour. That was my comfort zone. I'm not good at leaving my comfort zone. But I am proud of myself for being solo. Im trying to get in my own head and realize how beautiful I am. I like spending the day with myself. I've never really had this much alone time. The more I focus on getting in shape, the better my relationship gets. When I drown him with attention, I forget about myself and neither of us is happy. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel desired. I want to walk across the house in my panties and catch him staring at how hot my body is. The good news is that he fell in love with me when I was fat. But when you don't love yourself enough to put in any effort, why should anyone else love you?

I just feel so good right now. I feel strong and motivated. I've been laughing and smiling. I feel blessed. The pessimist in me believes something bad is about to happen. But if I pray and I take care of my responsibilities, why don't I deserve to be this ecstatic?